Bullshit and bullies : Adulthood Version

As usual, a Facebook post led my thoughts to wander down a metaphorical " rabbit hole". As someone whose Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ and being slightly on the autism spectrum, I know what it is like to be a " weirdo". At my age of close to 40 years old, this " otherness" status does not bother me. As a matter of fact, after recently seeing how some  so-called ' cool kids' act, I am grateful that I've never been part of any In Crowd.


I've always been the sort of woman and girl who prefers the company of guys rather than that of my own gender. When guys are mean to you , one KNOWS one is being bullied. This is not so with girls and women. Female humans can be truly vicious creatures, and most of the time these attacks are not brought on by someone defending her young.


I can recall countless instances in school when my intuition KNEW that some girls were trying to bullshit me yet my lack to social insight did not let me identify exactly WHAT the bullshit was about. As I've matured in age and experience , I'm slightly better at determining the source of social bullshit but still feel deep sorrow when I am bullied, excluded or otherwise made to feel "less than".


Eleanor Roosevelt said " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."


Preach it, sister, preach it!


If someone doesn't want me around, I can tell. and I've grown beyond giving much merit to such narrow minded people who need to be cruel to me [ or anyone else] so that they can feel better about who THEY are.


Yo Bullies and Mean Girls, I am sorry that you hate yourselves so much. But how is making  ME  feel shitty about who I am stoke YOUR ego?


When adults bully or exclude me, I am hurt. It sucks for someone to remind me that there are petty, childish people in this world. Of course no one is perfect, but grown men and women who intentionally seek to belittle others both anger and sadden me.


Yet I've learned that how these people treat others says a hell of a lot more about the state of THEIR self-esteem than about me. After years of not listening to my mother telling me so, I've learned that bullies pick on people whom they perceive as weaker or different in order to boost their already fragile egos. I do not understand why these people must hurt someone else in order to make themselves feel ' important' { whatever the hell THAT means}but their issues are not MY issues.


 I've also learned that women and men who continue to bully others well into adulthood hang out with others who behave in a similar manner.  The concept of Mean Girls { and guys} extends throughout the lifespan. While I am sure that most  children and teens who bully others grow into fine adults , I know from experience that some refuse to give up the cliquish separations that are so pervasive in  middle and high schools. This is sad to me that some people peak at 16 years of age, but their issues should not be my problem. Actually, their insecurities are NOT my problem. Life is too short to deal with bullshit.


The end.

RIP Robin Williams { A little late, but sincere nonetheless}

There has been a lot on social media and the Internet regarding the tragic passing of one of my all-time favorite actors, the late Robin Williams. When I first learned of his death, I'd originally thought it to be another one of the sick but all-too-common Internet pranks.


Sadly, Robin William's suicide at the young age of 63 is too real. My heart still aches, as he has been one of the few entertainers whose work has defined my childhood{ and made me laugh  out loud at every movie in which that he played a part and rerun of _Mork And Mindy_}


It is hard to believe that an entertainer as talented as Williams is no longer with us. Its even sadder to think that his depression  left him feeling literally without hope.


Mental illness knows no race, class, gender, family status, ect. Many individuals suffer silently with mental illness including, but not limited to depression.  There are limited, if any medical facilities that can care for patience who suffer from severe mental illnesses and many people lack the financial resources necessary to cope with these chronic  yet very REAL health problems.


As someone with autism coupled with chronic depression I've suffered my share of  " bad" days. I know firsthand what it is like to wake up  with a total lack of hope for a better tomorrow---and on my worst days hope for even a better next few hours.


 Depression of any sort is a pain that I would not wish on the most vile person living on Earth and I am grateful that medications have helped me to manage both my depression & some of the traits of my autism. { Medications do NOT cure autism, but I've discovered that medication doe help me to cope with my extreme sensory integration problems & also helps me literally " Keep Calmer" when I am overwhelmed. Although I take my medications faithfully, some days are decidedly more difficult than other days.


My struggles with mental illness is something that I do not like to discuss. But if sharing parts of my story with the parts of my community will help others understand  more about chronic depression and Autism, than I am willing to share.  As there is not a " typical" person with Autism, neither is there a " typical" person who suffers from depression & related illnesses.




May Robin Williams' soul requisitat en pacem. And may we honor his memoriy by educating ourselves and others on issues and solutions pertaining to mental health.


In the Name of the Father, Son & Holy Spirit, AMEN.

Storytelling as medicine

I realized today that I am no longer angry.  My anger has been replaced with a sadness & sense of loss. Some recent events in my life have wounded me deeply and for weeks I  irritated a  festering psychic wound. My " burden" has been considerably lifted, and I am at peace with the situation now.


Tonight I am proud to say that I am so OVER IT ALL. Truly. My anger has dissipated.


Instead of anger, I feel sadness. Sadness is not a positive emotion, but sadness is somehow less caustic than anger. Yet I know that the Great Physician will heal me in due time. I also know that healing will not take place in a vacuum Our faith is meant to be practiced in COMMUNITY.


We Christ-followers need to share our stories. By doing so, we remind each other of God's Presence in our lives. When we are in the midst of a situation, we often fail to see God working amidst the chaos. God does work to heal hurts caused by humans being humans...let's face it we are all egotistical creatures who can be selfish and cruel to each other.


I am blessed to have people who allow me to tell my story & " own" my emotions. Sadly, I tend to hang onto grudges and nurse wounds. But my dear friends have listened patiently to my story, and did not force their advice onto me.


Wounds, whether they be emotional or physical, are part of our stories. And it is by telling our stories to each other than bonds of affection form.  I am able to heal thanks to a large part of willing ears & open hearts who LISTEN to my story without prejudging me. I try my best to be an active and effective listener. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to our stories, and not to offer advice.


Thanks be to God for stories & the ability to share them with each other. And thanks be to the Great Physician who heals us and sustains us through anything our sister & fellow humans can throw at us.


Amen.

I am {NOT} a rock. I am {NOT} an island

"I Am A Rock" By Simon & Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. As a matter of fact, to me it is the ultimate introvert's anthem.

People scare me. Relationships can be messy. I took sociology as part of my general education requirements in college, and { still} can only see human foibles through the "lens" of social science.  

People baffle & disappoint me .

Groups of people under then influence of a manipulative and/or charismatic leader can turn toxic quickly.

I do not trust easily.

My sensitivity does not allow for me to display my vulnerability.

However, in these past few years, I have discovered that I am NOT a rock NOR an island. People are created to live together in communities & groups.  Even we introverts with autism need some degree of social interaction. I've needed to become vulnerable in order to grow.  I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable but growth occurs sometimes during our weakest moments.

Yesterday was Pentecost. The Christian church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples.. Note the plural of the last word in the previous sentence. All people are communal by nature, but we Christians are even more communal { or " tribal" as it may be}  than some other people.

As I continue on this journey , I learn who my true " community" is , and I am learning that my community need not be confined to the municipality where I live.  My community is where I am loved with an agape love that asks for nothing in return. I freely give that same love to others in my community.  There should not be restricted giving of love, but all too often I am guilty of freely loving people who are easy to love.  I am guilty of the sin of pride & self-righteousness. Let's be honest---we all lack enough humility to love as Christ commands us to love. We are called to love one another, especially those in our fragile human communities.


Love each other always, but love each other more during times of weakness.


Amen. Alleluia.


Pentecost 2014

Navigating the " Storms " Psalm 121

Anyone who has followed the news at all these last couple of weeks knows about the intense storms that the Gulf Coast endured massive rainstorms . the resulting flooding has left many Gulf Coast residents with flood damage.




 Best Dude and I managed to get by with minimal flooding on out bayou-front property { our " bayou " is really a creek back where we live}  Our neighbors were not so blessed. Two lots down the road from our home the entire house flooded. Although the water has abated, the owners obviously suffered a great deal of loss.




Currently I am going through a " storm" of sorts in my own life. Without delving into much detail, suffice it to say that I feel " displaced". Part of my community has been disturbed , and I feel sadness and fear from not knowing what the future holds.




 I struggle with trusting people and their motivations and I fear for the future as I know it now.  As someone with Autism, change of any sort frightens me.  I've never been one who claims patience as a virtue, and the state of " not knowing" is to me worse than even a bad outcome that is certain.




People with no or limited knowledge of Autism cannot fathom the stress that ANY change causes we people with Autism. Our brains respond the best to a routine, and when that routine is broken { for whatever reason] it causes our " fight or flight" mode to go in high gear.




Am I " taking flight" to avoid this current stressful situation?


Yes and no.


During the immediate chaos that surround any change, the emotions of others always are high. I cannot deal with those stress-induced hormones, so the best thing for me is to remove myself from the stressful situation.




I am useless when it comes to cleanup after any " storm". The best way I can be of help is to step back and stay out of the way.




A priest at another parish that I attend sometimes reminded readers in the monthly parish newsletter that God is with us---no matter what type of storm { Physical, emotional, and especially spiritual---all have the potential to cause chaos. }




Psalm 121 says : " I lift up my eyes to the hills---
from where does my help come?
                              " my help comes from the LORD,
Who makes Heaven and Earth.
                              He will not let your foot be moved
He who keeps you will not
                              slumber. "


This is what I must remember as I move forward in faith. Even when I do not sense God, our God is there. People are unpredictable, but God is constant. In fact, God and that God's own Son gave His life for us is the ONLY constant in this chaotic world.


Alleluia. Amen.

Life begins after 30

There is a meme going around Facebook which, although I am amused by it,  it does not " speak" to my life experiences.

My teenage years & even my 20's basically sucked.  High school & middle school were especially painful for me. Although I met some of my closest friends during my first stink at college, my second decade was not too much better than was my first one.

Some people may wish to relive their youth, but I eagerly anticipate whatever the future holds for me. While I am grateful for the past & all I've learned, I do not desire to relive those years. In a culture that glorifies youth, I choose to look forward to maturing with pride & dignity. At the age of 37, I am in the BEST physical shape that I've ever been! I'm free from the painful dietary restrictions of disordered eating & the correct combinations of medicines  helped me cope with living on the {highly-functioning} autism spectrum.  I'm blessed to be in a relationship with the love of my life. While I will never really consider myself as a Floridian, I'm truly enjoying coastal life

You can keep your youth if you wish to do so. Bring on the future!

Googled Chrome & A blonde Black Widow.

I finally gave in to they hype & installed Google Chrome as my browser. To be honest, the only reason I did so was to use the photo-editing that ONLY is supported by Chrome.

Say WHAT?!

As an aside, here is a photo { taken by Best Dude} of yours truly all dressed for Boo At The Zoo yesterday. yep---I was Marvel's " Black Widow" .

Clearly I did not choose to gamble on " wash-out" hair color---so MY version of the Marvel heroine is a blonde.

I'm a HUGE " Avengers" connoisseur & my two favorite crime-fighting weirdos are Iron Man{Robert Downy Jr just makes  Tony Stark/Iron Man even more *YUMMY* to me & Black Widow.  As a feminist, I can appreciate how BW can kick-ass along with the male Avengers yet retains her femininity.

I usually do not dress for Halloween, but since I volunteered to staff the Relay For Life of Small Beach Town on Saturday I played along as one of my favorite Avengers. 

My autism , coupled with my natural introversion, makes it REALLY hard for me to chat with strangers, especially in a busy setting such as a zoo. But I "toughened up" { OOO-RAH} & challenged myself to spend two full days { Saturday & the Saturday prior} to passing out candy at the Relay booth. Guess what? It was FUN!  My goal is to break into more social situations with more ease. Normally I am all right among people whom I know ---it is finding myself among strangers that makes me want to find a rock under which to hide.

I did well for the 5 hours I was at the zoo. But by the time I arrived home I felt mentally AND physically tired. However, I am glad that I put myself " out there" in the community . It was a lot of fun. As a matter of fact If it were not for Mass this morning I would have gone back to the zoo today.

Anyhow, I do not understand what the hype is surrounding Google Chrome. In as far as I can tell, Chrome looks & operated just like the older version of Google.

That is all for today. Shalom, y'all.

Bullying stops here NOW

I take a stand against bullying.

When I graduated from school 20 years ago, bullies tormented victims either in person, using nasty handwritten notes in lockers,  or via telephone.

Today's bullies have a whole new slew of tools with which to torture victims.

I am grateful that I grew up before the Internet became a huge part of everyday life.

The effects of bullying affect victims throughout our lives.  Although TV's _The Big Bang Theory_ is fictional, the show's main protagonists are all victims of severe bullying & it affects their perception of society.

It is hard to trust people who appear to be kind when one's perceptions have been altered by bullying
Since my tormentors were other girls, I struggle with forming relationships with other women. I never know when someone I meet is being friendly or " catty". My social anxiety is further affected by my slight autism--- I don't understand sarcasm { think  " Sheldon Cooper" of _The Big Bang Theory_} and I am very self-conscious when meeting new people.

Yet my experience with bullying has made me an advocate for those who ARE bullied.  In my opinion, people should be free to be whom they are without fear of retribution from " the cool kids".

That's all.
.

Introverts are awesome

I'm introverted. In addition to having mild autism, I am also naturally introverted. It is not that I do not like people, it is just that constant and meaningless " chitchat" drains my energy.

Some people with autism are very extroverted and I am sure they have their own unique struggles. But as an introverted person on the autism spectrum, I have the "double trouble" of not understanding people and also feeling physically & emotionally " drained" by prolonged social interactions.

I enjoy meaningful conversations with my closest friends { both online & in person} But parties and other such events drain my energy  and leave me tired , grumpy and in the worst cases, feeling physically ill.  Small groups of people whom I know are tolerable & sometimes even fun but I will never master the art of "small talk".

While introversion is a prized trait in some cultures of the world, but not so much in our fast-paced " Western" culture.  Its often the quiet ones who are overlooked in favor of their equally-qualified colleagues when it comes to promotions. Since we introverts do not do well in the " networking" arena, its hard for us to find our {carefully-thought-out}words before an extrovert easily chats up the very person with whom we had hoped to communicate.

Politics of any sort can be a horrible experience for we introverts. Even  something as an election to a church governing board puts us at a disadvantage since we are uncomfortable with chit-chat. Best Dude pointed out to me once that people will vote for who they know & since yours truly does not do idle talk very well, not many really KNOW me or my ideas.  Of course I have ideas---but since I'm not a talker, I am uncomfortable with sharing said ideas with casual acquaintances.

I'm happy with who I am. But I do wish that the extroverts in my life would realize that there is a lot more to me than they realize.

Say it, darn you!

I know someone who is at the end stages of a terrible cancer. he is a good man & my heart just breaks for him & his family.

No one handles the pending death of a friend /loved one well. While my heart is sore for the pain that this family must face as they prepare to say goodbye to their husband/father/brother/uncle/son, son-in/law/brother-in-arms, etc etc I've been thinking about my own life.

There is much I've left unsaid to those whom I love.

I'm not good with emotions, to me it is much easier for me to cope with the world with a Mr Spock-like logic{ Star Trek}. I can deal with facts, but emotions render me stupid. I'm bad with ALL human emotions , even such happy occasions such as weddings confuse me. Human emotions & responses to such emotions frustrate & mystify me.  Although I FEEL deeply I often either totally lack a response to said emotion or have a totally inappropriate response.

I say all this just to make a point. There is much I wish I could tell people that I just{ for one reason or another}cannot.

Reba McIntyre has a wonderful song that echos how I felt about my Pap. The lyrics that *almost* have me in tears every time go something like this " He never said 'I love you' / I guess he though I knew" .

One person who immediately comes to mind is a friend of many years from my time at First College. This individual has played a big part in my life , but due to circumstances I have never told this person how much they mean & have always meant to me. During the years, this friend & I have seen each other through some major life events. Illness, a divorce, my moving to Florida, the death of one of their parents & the death of my Pap,a publication of a book{clearly not my accomplishment} my brother's wedding, my finally finding happiness with Best Dude, travels. You get the idea: we've been through a lot.

But I never told them.

We live hundred s of miles apart now & all I want to do is tell this individual how blessed I am to have them in my life & that I've always treasured the somewhat unorthodox yet very deep friendship-in-Christ we share.

But how should I do this?

Facebook is totally inappropriate. Email isn't much better than Facebook, at least in my opinion. Should I write a 'snail mail' letter & send it via US Post? Maybe I should call & tell them?
I don't know.

Color me confused.

Heir Watch & other strange pop cultural fascinations by we Americans

I just do not understand the fascination that some Americans have with the British royalty.

After all, did we not declare our independence from the British throne back in 1776?

Now don't get me wrong, I am happy for Prince William and the duchess. I can also understand my British friends' fascination with Baby Royal. Yet as an American I am befuddled by my fellow & sister Americans' desire to follow the members of the House of Windsor.

Heir Watch is just one pop culture phenomena that confuses me.

Another pop culture sensation that I do not understand is the popularity of TLC's "reality TV show" _Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo" What is so special about this " beauty pageant" contestant & her parents that she's known now by her silly nickname?  Granted, I cop to watching some silly " reality TV" { for instance, I LOVE A&E's _Duck Dynasty_} But I fail to understand the appeal of a reality show starring a spoilt 7-year-old child & her parents.  But again, I still fail to comprehend the popularity of the Kardashians. Can someone please tell me why these women are famous? Thanks. :O)

While we are on the subject of strange social phenomena, can someone please explain why " Flash mobs" occur & why  so-called " spontaneous" dancing by large groups of people in a public place is done at all?

Maybe my autism prevents me from understanding why " pop culture" is so intriguing to many people?  Perhaps I will seek out some scholarly research on the sociological implications popular culture trends.  I find that I understand social & personal behavior of humans if I view it from a more scientific point of view.

5 days out.....The ATL airport.

Five days out until  Northern Vacation Trip 2013.

I'm stoked, but also a bit nervous. In order to get anywhere from where I live in Florida, one must go through Atlanta's airport. Four three years in a row---my travel plans have been delayed by flight issues in Atlanta. Now perhaps this trip will be different--but I'm not counting on my connection in Atlanta being easy.

I hate airports. While I love flying " shotgun" in private planes, commercial airports & airplanes freak me out. there are too many people crammed into a small space on those big jets & I almost ALWAYS end up with seatmates with no clue about maintaining one's personal space. Yuck. I'll be sure to pack some of my prescription anti-anxiety pills in my carry-on luggage ---I will probably need to use them.

I hate airports in general & the Atlanta Hartsfield-Jackson International Airport in particular.

It is HUGE. Literally, I think that a whole small city can fit inside the main terminal.

The gates' seats are not good for someone with issues regarding personal space. Usually I sit on the floor against a lwall as far away from my sister & fellow travellers as physically possible.

The wi-fi at that terminal is not free! Yes: the tiny Pensacola airport offers free wi-fi to patrons but Hartsfield-Jackson expects travellers to pay to get online. No, thanks.

I'm HOPING to make plans to attend the Pittsburgh Three Rivers Regatta with some friends while I'm up North this year. This is exciting for me: I have not been to a regatta since I was a child & I am REALLY looking forward to sharing that experience with some good friends from First College.

Prom season & approaching reunions

I am looking at the photos of people's kids' proms  on Facebook tonight & have a mixed reaction.

I feel RELIEF.

 I am NOT that shy girl that I was when I was in high school--a girl who was so shy she could not even really carry on a flirtatious conversation with a cute boy--let alone ever get asked out on a date. :O(  I did not attend either on of my high school proms & never was asked to any other sort of date in high school. Of course I was terribly shy & socially-awkward & my lack of self-confidence showed on my face back then. To be succinct, I was one messed up, depressed, lonely kid.  All social aspects of teenage life mystified & bewildered me.

My{ at the time undiagnosed} autism left me as an easy target for bullies by girls & flat-out invisibility to boys.  I wanted to " fit in" & at my school  juniors & seniors all went to the prom. These proms were HUGE community events at the rural school I attended.

I tried hard to disguise my hurt at being left out of the whole prom experience by  faking disdain for the " triviality" of the entire event. When that failed to sooth my sore emotions , I sat in my room on Prom Nights & cried.

Proms, like high school, conjure many bad memories for me. High school was hell on Earth to me.

Secondly, I feel PROUD. 20 years after high school, I am not the Sarah Beth that my classmates probably remember. I am the new & improved Sarah Beth.

Anyhow, my 20th class reunion will occur in the summer of 2014.

And I will not only ATTEND this event, I am actually looking forward to it after almost 20 years of "growing into" myself enough to be confident in who I am. Honestly, part of me wants to " show up" certain " popular" girls whose social status in high school was higher than mine. I take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually & accept myself as I am now.

The girls who were mean to me in school did NOT keep me down---and it is because I was so badly bullied that I staunchly oppose any form of prejudice. My bullies allowed for me to experience life{ on some level anyhow} as someone not like the collective " them". I do not look at myself as a victim, but as someone who has overcome adversity by learning to accept herself as she is{ a person with high-functioning autism}&  opening my heart to those who are more marginalized than me.Yours truly: a white, straight, Christian , middle-class woman has close friends who happen to be poor, homosexual, non-Caucasian, & of other or no faith groups.

Bring it on, Summer 2014!

Today's " Wisdom" Meme

Today I found a great " meme" on a friend's Pinterest page.

Here it is:

Omigosh, this is TOTALLY describing me.  As a person with autism, my " social skills" are not " up to par" with my peers' , but I  CAN carry on a deep conversation with one person. Crowds  " unhinge" me I feel literally lost  among all of the human voices bombarding my brain. After a few minutes in a crowded room, all the voices tend to blend together into a humming noise which I can best describe as a hive full of bees.

I am NOT good with crowds & I HATE " small talk" .  People tell me that all I need to do to make " small talk" is *ask someone about him/herself*Sometimes I do this, and I feel " smothered" by the chatter of the person with whom I am making small talk. yet on the other hand, if I  share an interest with someone, the dreaded small talk becomes a real conversation & I do much better with social situations.

It is true that I express my thoughts better in writing than verbally. One of the reasons that I started blogging is that I literally feel " tongue tied" when I attempt to express my ideas.

Another coping mechanism-turned hobby I've picked up over the years is photography. I've discovered that I cope with large crowds MUCH better if I carry around a camera.

We introverts are not asocial....we are selectively social.

Photos from " Going the Distance For Autism 5-10K Run

I took some photos at today's " Going the Distance 5/10K Run in Fort Walton Beach. I think the morning was successful & am proud of all the work that we did to make this event happen.

All photos are copyrighted by me.

Bullies....as seen from a victim's perspective

 April is Autism Awareness Month & I feel moved to discuss bullying. Many people with autism experience bullying in school and { Sadly} this behavior towards those of us with ANY " difference" can continue into adulthood.

I was severely bullied as a child & teen. In retrospect, I know now that my tormentors didn't know how to approach my { at the time unknown but obvious} "difference" & therefore my behavior made me a target for verbal cruelty.

It took me YEARS of therapy & soul-searching, but I am at a place in my life now where I can forgive those who tormented me in school. However, to forgive does not mean that I should FORGET the pain such taunting has caused for me. 

Bullies do not realize the painful memories that their actions impose on victims... we grow up with a distorted self-image. For instance even now I am very sensitive to criticism { even constructive criticism} from others. My autism makes it almost impossible for me to deduce social cues, so I am suspicious of motives of people whom I do not know well.  As I've matured I've grown a bit more aware of social cues{is this REALLY a good thing after all---humans are such emotional creatures!} & am better at recognizing bullies & attempts to bully others.

I hope that my experience with bullying has helped me grow as the person I am & still am becoming. Yet when I see others being bullied or manipulated it " raises my hackles" . There should be no excuse for bullies to continue their cruel behavior into adult life. Yet sadly I have known several such adults in my life & I struggle with accepting them as they are...memories of my school days surface & I get angry.

I've read studies that say that some people who are severely tormented by bullies become bullies later in life but I am living proof that this statistic need not be the norm.  As someone who experienced bullying firsthand how bullying affects some one's life I make a point to encourage ACCEPTANCE of people who are " not like us".

Amen.

Why I am a " Straight Ally"

 The graphic below says it all: I am an ally.

There are many reasons why I am an ally for the CIVIL RIGHTS of our GLBT population.

1. My parents raised me not to hate anyone who is different.

2. In college I met some of the nicest people who just* happened* to be gay/lesbian. Their sexual preference does NOT deter from my capabilities to sustain a friendship with them. Yes. I , as a straight woman, am friends with lesbians. And no I do not fear that they will" hit on me".  I don't find ALL men I meet attractive, so why should gay & lesbian people find someone attractive JUST BECAUSE of their gender?

3. I was born " different" too.

I have autism & I DO NOT let my autism define who I am as a human, so why should people let another's sexual preference define him or her before you have a chance to meet? It makes me angry when I see/hear/read comments regarding people with autism that are based exclusively on generalizations. Unlike many people whom I know & have known, I do NOT think that homosexuality is " learned" nor is it{ in my opinion} a " choice". I did not choose autism--so why would I think that anyone who is GLBT would choose that part of their identity.

4. One of my close relatives is GLBT. Although I've always supported  human rights, my relative's " coming out" has inspired me to take a more vocal stance on equality. It is true that when someone in your family is GLBT, the issue becomes more personal.

5. I do not think that the government should have ANY say in whom consenting adults choose to love. Enough said.

"Forgive sounds good/ Forget, I don't think I should."

Facebook always asks me " What's on your mind, Sarah?" Well, something has been troubling me for over one week now.

An old couple who used to attend the church I left before coming to The Episcopal Church live on our street. For two years, I've managed to avoid them. I've feared that actually conversing with either one them would stir some bad memories of the last few years when I was active in that other faith community. 

While I was walking  Dogger last week the wife of the house came out to collect the mail.  Instinctually I looked down , hoping that she would not recognize me.

It was too late. .

Her: " Are you Sarah?" { Oh, ****, she finally recognized me}

Me:" Yeah" { Who else could I be??}

Her: "Do you live on this street now?"

Me: Yeah. {ummm, only for the past two years ....DUH!}

Her, noticing my knee brace: "What happened to your knee?"

Me: " Old injury that I re-hurt."{ Y'all haven't talked to me in 5 years and THIS is what you say?}

Her: Well, good to see you."

Me: "Um, sure."

Dogger and I went on our way.

This conversation bothered me. First of all, I am not good at making so-called small talk even in the best of situations. Secondly, this woman had NOT been someone whom I enjoyed being around when I was a part of my ex-faith community.

I have forgiven these people for ostracizing me when I left their community. But, I have not forgotten the pain caused by their ostracising.

Does forgiving mean forgetting?

Camming it up

Last evening I updated my Skype account. This was NOT an easy undertaking, but now I've all my Skype settings to where I want them .

Since I do not yet own a web cam, I'm in the market for an inexpensive yet easy-to-use unit that will be compatible with my Windows XP laptop. I do not need anything too fancy or with a lot of pixels, I just want to have the capability to Skype-talk with family & friends who live far away.  In the future I am hoping to have the capabilities to participate in web-conferencing via Skype.

I'm not good with deducing facial inflections, so Skyping via web cam can be an exercise in attempting to further understand the mystery{ to me at least} that is the human face.

Can anyone let me know which web-camera I should buy to best suit my needs? Thanks .

"A Light In The Darkness, O God, Help Us Be"

The photo shown below  derives its name from the motto of the sorority of which I was a part when I was a student at West Liberty State College { now University} in West Virginia. Kappa Phi is a national Greek-letter organization of college-aged women who strive to live as close to Our Lord Jesus Christ as possible. I did not graduate from West Liberty, but my time there as an active Kappa Phi sister played a major part of who I am now & who I will become. I would have continued my tenure as an active Kappa Phi at The University of West Florida, but there was no established chapter there & at that time in my life all I cared about was working & studying. A sorority, even a Christ-centered one such as Kappa Phi, was not part of my plans for my time at UWF.

I took this photo before Mass this morning & used some basic editing to obtain the desired effects. Lately I've felt contemplative &...dare I say it" dark" and photography is a way in which  express my emotions. As do many people with autism, sometimes verbal communication fails me & since I "think in pictures"  I wanted to share my thoughts with the world through the medium of photography.

It is hard to be a " light in the darkness" when one faces physical challenges that can pre-suppose oneself to self-pity. Today's homily really made me ponder why I feel like my limitations{ physically not being able to drive is the bgges issue} is a BIG hindrance for me. I've never felt " good enough" because my limitations, while invisible to the unknowing eye, keep me from doing what" normal" American adults can do{ DRIVING A CAR is still my biggest hang-up}

I'm like the jealous brother in today's Gospel parable. It pains me to admit this, but I am. It is hard for me to count my own blessings & easy for me to say" But I WANT_______." "Why must I __________"Why does my brother_______ & I cannot?"

I want what most American adults take for granted, the ability to drive a car & the basic social skills that would allow me to complete tasks such as grocery shopping without feeling sensory overload. Sometimes I hate my autism. To me, it is a huge hindrance to realizing my potential. I'm envious of people with the social skills that can sustain sitting on committees.  I wish I could read subtle body language & vocal inflections.

But as I gazed at this photo { after editing it} I realized that ALL Christians are Lights in the Darkness} No matter what we bring to the altar, Christ accepts us & has a ministry ..or two or three for us in Christ's Church Universal. I God's view , I AM " good enough" & I need not envy the gifts that others possess. I should be more like the father in today's parable, welcoming BOTH his sons to the feast. I shouldn't envy others who are " normal" & instead celebrate their gifts as well as my own.

A light in the darkness, O God help us be. Amen.