For all those " Not-Moms" out there...

One of my very least-favorite social conventions is that of the bridal or baby shower.

I hate attending these social events. First of all, my personality is more suited to events where there will be a mixed -company guest list. I'm not fully comfortable in social situations that encompass only women.

Bridal & baby showers ,, to me at least, re-enforce the old idea of what is " feminine" . I am not married & am not a mother & these events { and the anxiety that leads up to me attending these events}is cause for a lot of sadness.

Next year will be my 20th high school reunion & some of the women in my class have children who are teenagers already. Almost all of them are parents whose Facebook feeds are filled with cute photos of happy children. I'm happy for them, truly I am. But at the same time I cannot help but wonder what my classmates think of me. Am I **the crazy dog-lady**. ?

When I was little I wanted children. I've been told that I am quite talented in the area of working with young people & Until a few years ago felt that motherhood might be a reality for me.

It " ain't" happening. Motherhood is not part of the plan.

Most of the time I am okay with my non-motherhood. Best Dude & I adopted a dog who is pretty much like " our child".  Being childless allows for much " Sarah time" that I otherwise would not have had I been able to be a mother. In short, my life is great as it is & I'm blessed in so many ways. We have a full & rich life together.

But on occasion I feel a wave of incomprehensible grief wash over me regarding my childlessness . Usually this grief occurs around the time that I anticipate attending a baby shower.

Perhaps it is natural to mourn what " never will be" , but I feel like a { for lack of a better word in my vernacular} a " wuss". Like it or not, women who are not mothers are looked at differently than women without offspring. Sometimes I feel that there is a figurative & literal " Moms' Club" which I will never be asked to join. Childless men in our society are not looked upon as " less-than" but those of us who are women without children{ be our childlessness be a result of a lifestyle choice or a medical issue}

Another contributing factor is my ethnicity. My Mother is Jewish & even though I am Christian: part of my " cultural DNA" is that of the Eastern European Jews.  Progeny are a VERY BIG DEAL to Jewish people due in part to their religion & I grew up with an idealized & rather narrow view of what constitutes as a " family".

But I know that familes are different and that my God-given gift of working with young people has not been wasted. I've taught Sunday school, worked as a babysitter for two of the BEST kids{ who are now young adults} & currently serve as an advisor to my parish's youth group. In addition to my work with young people, I am a very good dog-mom.

We childless & child-free people are not freaks of nature. Our families are just as valid as are more traditional family units.

Amen.

Goal number one: MET!!

I had a doctor's appointment{ just a check-up} today. Anyhow, as part of the routine, Dr Personality took my height { I have not grown since 7th grade...} and my weight.

The good news is: I gained enough weight to meet my first goal!

*HappyHappyHappy*

I, a woman who is terrified of needles, now weighs enough to give blood.

I've wanted to give blood for a long time, but my slight weight precluded me from doing so. My Dad is a regular donor of his blood products.

We shall see if I gather enough courage to overcome my fear of needles.

Photo Shoot: First Presbyterian Church, Milton, FL

Yesterday I attended a seminar at First Presbyterian Church in Milton , Florida. The " church ladies " were gracious enough to open the doors of their lovely historic nave & sanctuary so that I{ a fan of old buildings in general & old church buildings in particular} could look inside.


Here are some photos of the exterior of the church. I particularly love the rustic, untreated wooden doors.

Here are some of the better photos of the interior of the historic church. I highlighted the stained-glass windowpanes & minimized the " background" of the windows in order to make the colors of the

glass " pop".

I played around with my editing software for these next photos. Some photographers I know are not fans of using black & white for portraiture, but I am of the opinion that " less{ color} is more" for some photos. The photo of the baptismal font is probably my favorite from this photo shoot: as I LOVE the contradiction between the dark wooden bowl base & the clear glass flask of water.

Tank Tops! I haz tank tops!

I turned 37 years old last week----but I feel 37 years YOUNG.

This past year and a half of the fitness journey that I've named Operation Strong-is-the-New-Skinny has been a slow ride towards my goals.

However, I must say that I am fit enough in my arms, back & shoulders to wear the new tank tops that my parental units bought for my birthday without looking like a skeleton.


Photo courtesy of my Instagram account. :O)

 The cover has been removed from over the lap pool area at my fitness centre, so I've taken out the mask & swim fins this past week. I can tell that my body mass has increased, as I float much better than I did at this time last year.  Also, I , um " fill out" my bathing suit top {NATURALLY, I might add} better this year.  But more important than looking better---I feel much better & my stamina is up.

I'm still quite a long way from my goal of being " competition-ready" but I will achieve that goal in due time. Right now I celebrate the fact that I EARNED shoulders & pecs that allow me to wear tank tops & bikinis without shame.

On the eve of my 37th year

I turn 37 this month.

Actually , the date of my birth is celebrated on the 17th

My 20th high school reunion is next summer. { Class of 1994}

This is a time of great reflection for me.

I'm NOT the shy, scrawny  girl that most of my classmates will remember.

These past almost 20 years have seen both joys & sorrows.

But, the old adage is: what won't kill ya will make ya stronger.

Many women fear Time .

I do not: I embrace growing older.

I earned every "laugh line" on my face. I've much to celebrate  during this 37th year.

Perhaps that some people find their 20's to be the best decade in life. This is not true for me: I struggled throughout my second decade just as much as I'd struggled throughout my teen years.

I drifted from job to job & from doctor to doctor: No one knew exactly why my brain works differently & as a result I'd been in & out of various psychotherapies. { both pharmaceutical & other} I struggled with seeking  direction in my spiritual life while feeling entrapped within a toxic faith community.

Thanks be to God that I had the courage to seek out Small Parish & The Episcopal Church.

My parents are true heroes. I am eternally grateful to them for their assistance. Mom & Dad, as they always have went way beyond the parental " call of duty" ---and without their assistance I would most-likely be just another statistic.

Mom was the one who, through an associate she knew , got me tested for autism. Although I DO NOT let my diagnosis of autism define me: it is a part of who I am that I do not deny.

I'm entering my 37th year of life on this Planet Earth in the best physical shape I've ever been. Although I was an athlete{ albeit not a very successful one---especially in basketball}, my poor self-image made me struggle with body dysmorphia.

Not anymore.

My new motto is: STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY.

I am Woman, so hear me ROAR! Bring it on, 20th high school reunion!

The little red-brick church in Ohio....

Lately I have found myself full of memories. Most of my formative years were rather painful, as I was misdiagnosed with several different mental-health problems & coming-of -age was harder for me than it is for most " neurotypical" people.

But there was one group of people besides my immediate family who always " had my back" { so to speak}

The people of Hill Top Presbyterian Church in rural Ohio, I salute you.

Since both my parents are & were unchurched, I was not baptized until the second year of my first attempt at college. It was a late summer evening late summer when I knocked on the door of the parsonage of the little Presbyterian church within walking distance of my home in Ohio. Normally I wasn't in the habit of knocking on parsonage doors, but I'd felt led by the Spirit Herself to walk myself up that hill & inquire about receiving the Sacrament of Holy Baptism.

When I told Jenny, the minister at the time, of my desire to be baptized, she said:

"Sarah, I have been praying for you to ask about baptism for a long time. Of course I'll baptize you."

Naturally it wasn't quite * that* easy. The Session{ the governing body of a local Presbyterian congregation} had to approve of my baptism.

The date was set for a Sunday morning in early October. I'd come home from college for the weekend & was very excited to be "officially" adopted into the Family of Christ who had nurtured my walk with God for several years.

Although I'm proudly Episcopalian, I'll be forever grateful to the people of Hill Top Church who took  me in as a " spiritual orphan" & formally adopted me into the Family of God.

" Pretty White Girl Syndrome" & Jodi Arias

Today the much-awaited verdict was read in an Arizona courtroom. After months of coverage on TV and online, Jodi Arias was found guilty of first-degree murder. 

I am happy that justice, in this case at least , was served. While I am against capital punishment---I do believe that Ms Arias needs to pay her debt to polite society for her remaining natural life. She is not, in my opinion, fit to be among polite society.

Yet what I am most relieved about is that Jodi Arias' case was not acquitted due { in part at least} to what is known in the media as " Pretty White Girl { or woman} Syndrome". 

You know the scened: a conventionally pretty Caucasian girl or woman finds herself in sort type of legal trouble. The national media descends upon the case & the American public is almost literally glued to the TV throughout the duration of said trial. After months of testimony & a drawn-out " jury watch" on HLN, the " pretty white girl" is acquitted of all charges by a jury of her alleged peers.

Why is the " pretty white girl in distress" such a media phenomena?  We see this fascination with the "PWG" with reports of missing persons in the mainstream media. How many missing women-of-color are reported in our news services? I cannot name one, but I can name several PWGs whose plights have captivated American TV viewers.

Laci Peterson

Natalee Holloway

JonBenet Ramsey.

Caylee Anthony

Elizabeth Smart

Jaycee Dugard

Chandra Levy


What trait do all of these " missing persons " share? They are all female, young, attractive & overwhelmingly Caucasian. Why do the mainstream media outlets choose to report upon cases that ONLY involve the PWG? I know there have been studies done upon this subject natter, but the findings of such studies do not satisfy me. Are only PWG's worthy of capturing the attention of our society? What about men & boys who go missing and/or are victims of violent crimes?

I AM a Caucasian American. My hair is naturally blonde, I have fair skin & bluish-green eyes.

My disdain for the Mainstream media's obsession with PWG's does not stem from my membership in a non-white ethnic group.

I am concerned about the propogation of the falsehood that White people are better than nonwhite people" that is still evident now if one knows where to look. If you do not believe me when I say that racism is still an issue visit some a town is Alabama, Missisippi , Ohio or western Pennsylvania. {I have seen evidence of a mentality of Caucasian-centricity in towns in all of these states.} My late grand-Godmother{ may her soul requisitat en pacem} spent all 90-plus years of her life honestly believing that people of African-american descend are somehow " inferior".

It is my wish that  I live to see the end of racism in our nation & as a society. maybe if enough people petition the major news corportations regarding stoping coverage of the PWG Of The Month we can evolve beyond racism once & for all.

Amen.