Scars

When I was at the tender age of 12 I had two surgeries to correct severe scoliosis of the spine. This ordeal left me with two titanium rods around my spinal column and put me at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh for three weeks. { Did I mention I was only 12 years old when this happened?} 


Anyhow, as if immobilization for 21 days and two MAJOR operations where the surgeon & his team pretty much re-arranged all my innards so to save my back from eventually crippling me{ or worse---apparently unchecked scoliosis can crush a patient's lungs and KILL her or him!!}was not enough torture for a pubescent Pittsburgher I also had to wear a fiberglass brace. This custom-made instrument of torture surrounded my torso and covered me from below my bra-line to underneath my tailbone. I won't even discuss the ugly clothing  with elasticized waits and baggy, high-necked shirts & sweaters that this brace forced me to wear .


I carry on my back two large and permanent reminders of my  "Seventh Grade Summer from Hell". Two long scars run down my back and around my torso remain permanently etched on my body. While there scars faded with time, they are still visible to those who know where to look for them.  For many years, I felt ashamed of these scars, and my shame played a part in the development of an eating disorder that literally took YEARS for me to get into a true remission.  To shorten a long story, I let my physical scars play a huge part in how I perceived others' views of me.


Physical scars are a metaphor for some deeper  spiritual and emotional scars that many of us carry around.  We tend to focus on the painful, awkward and even ugly parts of our walk with Our Lord rather than see them as merely a part of our story. As did my physical scars on my back---our scars on our souls can and will fade with time. Scars on the soul & psyche eventually will be seen as parts of our " story"---important parts for sure but not defining parts.


When I look at myself in the mirror I see ME, not the scars on my back. With time, a lot of love from my family, and years of counseling, I am in remission from my eating disorder. I am looking forward and onward.  The same is true for spiritual scars...they can and shall heal. Give yourself time and seek help from God and others. Be kind to yourself.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself " I am more than the sums of all my scars."


Amen.


~SEM

For all those " Not-Moms" out there...

One of my very least-favorite social conventions is that of the bridal or baby shower.

I hate attending these social events. First of all, my personality is more suited to events where there will be a mixed -company guest list. I'm not fully comfortable in social situations that encompass only women.

Bridal & baby showers ,, to me at least, re-enforce the old idea of what is " feminine" . I am not married & am not a mother & these events { and the anxiety that leads up to me attending these events}is cause for a lot of sadness.

Next year will be my 20th high school reunion & some of the women in my class have children who are teenagers already. Almost all of them are parents whose Facebook feeds are filled with cute photos of happy children. I'm happy for them, truly I am. But at the same time I cannot help but wonder what my classmates think of me. Am I **the crazy dog-lady**. ?

When I was little I wanted children. I've been told that I am quite talented in the area of working with young people & Until a few years ago felt that motherhood might be a reality for me.

It " ain't" happening. Motherhood is not part of the plan.

Most of the time I am okay with my non-motherhood. Best Dude & I adopted a dog who is pretty much like " our child".  Being childless allows for much " Sarah time" that I otherwise would not have had I been able to be a mother. In short, my life is great as it is & I'm blessed in so many ways. We have a full & rich life together.

But on occasion I feel a wave of incomprehensible grief wash over me regarding my childlessness . Usually this grief occurs around the time that I anticipate attending a baby shower.

Perhaps it is natural to mourn what " never will be" , but I feel like a { for lack of a better word in my vernacular} a " wuss". Like it or not, women who are not mothers are looked at differently than women without offspring. Sometimes I feel that there is a figurative & literal " Moms' Club" which I will never be asked to join. Childless men in our society are not looked upon as " less-than" but those of us who are women without children{ be our childlessness be a result of a lifestyle choice or a medical issue}

Another contributing factor is my ethnicity. My Mother is Jewish & even though I am Christian: part of my " cultural DNA" is that of the Eastern European Jews.  Progeny are a VERY BIG DEAL to Jewish people due in part to their religion & I grew up with an idealized & rather narrow view of what constitutes as a " family".

But I know that familes are different and that my God-given gift of working with young people has not been wasted. I've taught Sunday school, worked as a babysitter for two of the BEST kids{ who are now young adults} & currently serve as an advisor to my parish's youth group. In addition to my work with young people, I am a very good dog-mom.

We childless & child-free people are not freaks of nature. Our families are just as valid as are more traditional family units.

Amen.

Goal number one: MET!!

I had a doctor's appointment{ just a check-up} today. Anyhow, as part of the routine, Dr Personality took my height { I have not grown since 7th grade...} and my weight.

The good news is: I gained enough weight to meet my first goal!

*HappyHappyHappy*

I, a woman who is terrified of needles, now weighs enough to give blood.

I've wanted to give blood for a long time, but my slight weight precluded me from doing so. My Dad is a regular donor of his blood products.

We shall see if I gather enough courage to overcome my fear of needles.

Locked-in & No Meds

Last night I staffed { along with two other brave adults} a lock-in at the parish hall of my Episcopal church. The teens  arrived around 9 PM & we kept them busy until they all fell asleep while watching a movie on a DVD.

Anyhow, a good time was had by all. But I am super-tired...ZZZ.

I take three different medications to manage my autism & the anxiety it causes me.  My medicines together give me the effect of sleeping soundly & falling asleep quickly. Well, it is pointless for an adult at a youth group lock-in to be sleepy or asleep , so I did not take my meds last night, save for one of the anti anxiety pills just to calm my nerves.

Meds work to help me mange my autism but I still do not advocate medicating children with autism.  First of all, pharmacology is NOT an exact science--and I would not{ based on my own experiences} even call it an art. Pharmaceuticals are, in my experience, a big crap shoot with too many variables.  I've been on & off many different combinations of prescription drugs since my early teen years.  Changing medications as much as I did can really confused with taking different meds. Each medication has its own list of side effects& even now I must be careful & ever mindful of not mixing certain OTC or prescriptions with what I normally take daily.

Side effects of the medications also affect my appetite. One of the meds I take decreases my appetite while the other one allegedly INCREASES one's appetite. Um, not for me it does not!

Its a mixed blessing to take medication. For m, the benefits outweigh the trouble but it isn't a " cure-all". Nor do I wish to be " cured" if such a " cure " for autism existed.  Medications just are a tool for me o live my life to the fullest.

Carpe Diem, my friends!