Forgiveness is hard

This Lenten season, I am focusing on forgiving others as I have been forgiven.To be honest, this task has been more challenging than I'd anticipated.


A lot has happened in the past 12 months, and although I am grateful for where I am and with whom I associate with now, I've discovered that my heart still harbors some bitterness and anger towards certain people who have hurt me. This bothers me for two reasons:


1. Christ calls us to forgive, as He has forgiven all of us.


2. I want to be free of the bonds laid upon me by my unwillingness to forgive certain people.  My anger towards these individuals has my stomach literally tied in knots every time I recall them in any capacity. Anger holds ME down, not those at whom my anger is directed.


How can I walk towards forgiveness when all I think about when their face shows up in my mind's eye is anger at their lies and innuendos? Does forgiveness mean that I have to " make nice" with these people.


Best Dude says " everyone is different" and that I should learn to accept that some people do not have the same mores as I do. But just because some people think lying about, gossiping and  ostracizing others who are different from their little clique is acceptable doesn't mean I do. Or does it?


I do not accept mean people. Sorry, I just do not and shall not .


But does forgiveness need to encompass condoning someone's bad behavior?


Only God knows.

My #Lent15 discipline

 I want to let you all know of my discipline for this Lenten season.


This season, I plan to re-read, chapter by chapter, bishop Katharine Jefforts-Schori's  book " The Heartbeat of God' AND I also shall make daily entries  in my pen-and-paper journal regarding my reflections on the daily readings. The parish I used to attend does their own Lenten meditations booklet and I would be lying if I said that I do not miss that discipline this season. so I created my own Lenten study and reflection discipline, using the wise words of one of my favorite Christian author and scholar.


SEM

Pray, Fast, Give Alms

This evening Best Dude and I switched things up and attended a neighboring parish where our friend is the rector. As usual, it was a lovely service, but tonight's meditation was a tool for the Holy Spirit to speak to me.


The gist of the sermon was " Pray. Fast, Give Alms. In Lent, especially, we Christ-followers are called to focus on doing these three tasks.  The Gospel lesson for today compels us to do these things not to " be seen" by others { as did the Pharisees } but to do these things quietly so that the God who is our Creator will reward us. We are not to show off our piety, but to quietly pray and give alms in the name of Our Lord.


What really struck me  in this evening's Gospel is the part where Christ commands us to give alms " in secret" and " so that the left hand will not know what the right hand is doing". To me, almsgiving is in itself an act of prayer....when I give alms, I do so not because I determine that the receiver is 'worthy' of help or because she or he is ' just like me' but because doing so pleases Our Lord.


We need to remember that Christ calls us to BE His hands & feet on Earth. Charity should not be about the giver...there is not need to sound the proverbial trumpet to let others know of our gifts. Christ knows , and that should be enough for His followers


Amen.


Ash Wednesday, 2014

#Lent14 begings tomorrow

Happy Mardi Gras!










Be sure to go to your local Episcopal or Roman Catholic church this evening and get your fill of a delicious pancake supper.






Lent is the traditional penitential season of the Church Year. For the past three years, rather than " giving up " something this season, I've challenged myself to " take on" some sort of discipline. I've found this to be a more spiritually-fulfilling practice than one of fasting from something. Each person has his or her own Lenten disciplines & all that bring us closer to Our Lord are worthwhile.




This year, I am taking on making time for more " study" time. I've been lax in my study of Scripture and other spiritual-type works. I asked a friend of mine who attends another parish in the diocese for her recommendations


 Although I am naturally curious, circumstances, financial or otherwise, have been used as an excuse to focus less and less time in study. Our Church is built on the " three-legged stool": Scripture, Tradition & Reason and more Reason can be gleaned by study.


When I was active in the EfM program, " study" was a part of my routine. Since we lack an EfM group at my parish right now , I've found less time to study anything. This is sad, as I am a lifelong learner but when one does not drive & has limited funds it is a challenge to find opportunities to deepen one's faith through study Ive looked at several books {e-book format}online and saw a cornucopia of selections.


Be well, and may we all be blessed with a holy Lent. .

"A Light In The Darkness, O God, Help Us Be"

The photo shown below  derives its name from the motto of the sorority of which I was a part when I was a student at West Liberty State College { now University} in West Virginia. Kappa Phi is a national Greek-letter organization of college-aged women who strive to live as close to Our Lord Jesus Christ as possible. I did not graduate from West Liberty, but my time there as an active Kappa Phi sister played a major part of who I am now & who I will become. I would have continued my tenure as an active Kappa Phi at The University of West Florida, but there was no established chapter there & at that time in my life all I cared about was working & studying. A sorority, even a Christ-centered one such as Kappa Phi, was not part of my plans for my time at UWF.

I took this photo before Mass this morning & used some basic editing to obtain the desired effects. Lately I've felt contemplative &...dare I say it" dark" and photography is a way in which  express my emotions. As do many people with autism, sometimes verbal communication fails me & since I "think in pictures"  I wanted to share my thoughts with the world through the medium of photography.

It is hard to be a " light in the darkness" when one faces physical challenges that can pre-suppose oneself to self-pity. Today's homily really made me ponder why I feel like my limitations{ physically not being able to drive is the bgges issue} is a BIG hindrance for me. I've never felt " good enough" because my limitations, while invisible to the unknowing eye, keep me from doing what" normal" American adults can do{ DRIVING A CAR is still my biggest hang-up}

I'm like the jealous brother in today's Gospel parable. It pains me to admit this, but I am. It is hard for me to count my own blessings & easy for me to say" But I WANT_______." "Why must I __________"Why does my brother_______ & I cannot?"

I want what most American adults take for granted, the ability to drive a car & the basic social skills that would allow me to complete tasks such as grocery shopping without feeling sensory overload. Sometimes I hate my autism. To me, it is a huge hindrance to realizing my potential. I'm envious of people with the social skills that can sustain sitting on committees.  I wish I could read subtle body language & vocal inflections.

But as I gazed at this photo { after editing it} I realized that ALL Christians are Lights in the Darkness} No matter what we bring to the altar, Christ accepts us & has a ministry ..or two or three for us in Christ's Church Universal. I God's view , I AM " good enough" & I need not envy the gifts that others possess. I should be more like the father in today's parable, welcoming BOTH his sons to the feast. I shouldn't envy others who are " normal" & instead celebrate their gifts as well as my own.

A light in the darkness, O God help us be. Amen.