" Mean" by Taylor Swift

This song has been my " earworm" since Thursday. Thank you, Taylor Swift, for articulating what I cannot say. Bullies continue into adulthood. Parenthetical comments are mine. All yrics are Taylor Swift's and I do not own them.


"Mean"

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me { Words words words....}
You have knocked me off my feet again { knocked me off when I am down}
Got me feeling like I'm nothing  ( again}
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard{ Hahaha so true}
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man { or woman}

You can take me down with just one single blow ( But I get right up}
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me [ Can't hit me now...I'm taller than you}
And all you're ever gonna be is mean { all you ever were is mean Shame on me for not seeing it earlier}
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation {Immature backstabbing b____ ! }
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them { I am not perfect, but YOU think you are!!}
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again { I was feeling fine til you yelled at me}

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold [ Ain't my fault}
But the cycle ends right now { This ain't high school, chika!}
'Cause you can't lead me down that road { 4 years of hell known as high school was over 20 years ago for me. No more.}
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing { Teach...apparently I can't teach!}
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life { Liar, two faced, hopeless, immature, MEAN}
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Let it Go.

Although I have not finished Bishop Tutu's book _The Book Of Forgiving_ , this morning I realized that I am so over that which has hurt me. I have forgiven certain individuals whose actions & attitudes hurt me badly.


I have forgiven, but choose to not socialize with them. Sometimes relationships are worth saving but this one is not.


Since I'd not yet seen the movie _Frozen_ I had to look up the lyrics of the hit song by Idina Menzel. Here are the lyrics that " spoke" the most to me:


It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!


Forgiveness DOES NOT mean that one condones the wrongs done to him or her. Nor does forgiveness require reconciliation and a " reboot" of the damaged relationship. But forgiveness DOES mean that the thoughts of the person or people who have hurt you or me no longer take up space in my mind. I do NOT want to reconcile with them yet I do not " hate" them either. Right now I am at a really good place & am confident enough with my own choices. I know what is required of me by my LORD and savior and I also know He has forgiven me. So it is MY turn to forgive and to " let it go" .


Amen

I am {NOT} a rock. I am {NOT} an island

"I Am A Rock" By Simon & Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. As a matter of fact, to me it is the ultimate introvert's anthem.

People scare me. Relationships can be messy. I took sociology as part of my general education requirements in college, and { still} can only see human foibles through the "lens" of social science.  

People baffle & disappoint me .

Groups of people under then influence of a manipulative and/or charismatic leader can turn toxic quickly.

I do not trust easily.

My sensitivity does not allow for me to display my vulnerability.

However, in these past few years, I have discovered that I am NOT a rock NOR an island. People are created to live together in communities & groups.  Even we introverts with autism need some degree of social interaction. I've needed to become vulnerable in order to grow.  I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable but growth occurs sometimes during our weakest moments.

Yesterday was Pentecost. The Christian church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples.. Note the plural of the last word in the previous sentence. All people are communal by nature, but we Christians are even more communal { or " tribal" as it may be}  than some other people.

As I continue on this journey , I learn who my true " community" is , and I am learning that my community need not be confined to the municipality where I live.  My community is where I am loved with an agape love that asks for nothing in return. I freely give that same love to others in my community.  There should not be restricted giving of love, but all too often I am guilty of freely loving people who are easy to love.  I am guilty of the sin of pride & self-righteousness. Let's be honest---we all lack enough humility to love as Christ commands us to love. We are called to love one another, especially those in our fragile human communities.


Love each other always, but love each other more during times of weakness.


Amen. Alleluia.


Pentecost 2014

My Name is SarahBeth and I am a " Forgiveness Challenge" dropout

Hi. My name is SarahBeth & I am a Forgiveness challenge dropout.


{ Crowd murmurs " Hi SarahBeth}


"Forgive/Sounds good.
Forget? I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything/But I'm still waiting" ~ Dixie Chicks.


Last month I had an intention to completed ++ Desmond Tutu's international " Forgiveness Challenge" online. I admit when I fail to complete a task & I messed up this one in the worst way. For the first 6 days I was  stoked about this journey of self-discovery, but after the 6th day life's circumstances that occurred beyond my control set me way back. As the first week of this challenge moved into the second week I realized that I am not emotionally nor spiritually "ready" to contemplate forgiveness.


So I dropped out.


I am not a quitter. Quitting is wimpy & my parents did not raise a wimp.


It can be healthy, however, to step back from an unpleasant situation & seek out guidance & perspective. When one is not at a good place emotionally or spiritually, it is hard { if not downright impossible} to focus on forgiveness.  I am too pissed-off to think deeply about forgiveness. & it is not worth my heartache to try to " complete"  this program just for the sake of completion.


Recently I've learned that I'm no good to serve anyone else if my own spiritual/psychological life is in disarray. Sometimes it is necessary to step back from a situation & allow oneself to be led by the Spirit without constantly worrying about staying " at the top of my game'. Spiritual & emotional health is just as important as corporeal health. As I read the day's emails from ++ Tutu last month, I realized that  I am not ready to contemplate forgiveness right now.  The good thing about the 30 Day Forgiveness Challenge is that participants can return to the site and complete each day's activity when ready to do so.


"Life is a journey/Not a destination/...And you just don't can't tell just what tomorrow will bring..."~Aerosmith


There is no need to rush on healing and forgiveness. Each person  heals differently & one's life story/spiritual autobiography factors into each person's  Forgiveness & Healing Timetable.
Several circumstances throughout my 38 years of life on Planet Earth have molded me into a slow healer. I'm like a pot roast: tough & rigid until I  simmer long enough for tenderizing to happen. I do not forgive nor heal easily from soul wounds. With a lot of prayer, I hope I shall come to a place where I can forgive wholeheartedly. 


SEM


Feast Of the Ascension of Our LORD Jesus the Christ 2014

"Only the good die young" and other musings

My friend  was called Home to his Maker a couple of days ago.

I am heartbroken. Although my faith teaches me that he is in a better place & without suffering, my heart aches for the wife & grown sons that he left behind on this Earth.

Requisitat en pacem, " G". You were a true hero & a friend to so many.

After praying for the repose of my friend's soul, I started asking God WHY.

Why must a good man like " G" die young of a horrible disease when there are so many " lifers" in our prison systems who spend their healthy days locked in a cell & taken care of by our government?

Why must our government spend billions of dollars planning to police the world with gunships and other weapons while saying that there isn't enough money in the coffers to give combat veterans access to the health care they need & deserve?

Why must children go to bed without supper when lobbyists wine & dine members of Congress? Why do lobbyists even exist?

Why , if one dares to question the " party line" fed to us by the mainstream media & the corporations who control our elected officials is one referred to as unpatriotic? A person can love his or her nation and still passionately dislike its government & the people in charge of said government.

Why must some upper-middle-class & wealthy Americans use their money to bully people & organizations into following "their" agenda?

Why must there even BE agendas? Life would be so much more pleasant if we humanoid s would just learn to get along.

Think about it:

A society free from bullies.

A society where equality for all persons, regardless of their " other-ness" is fully achieved.

A government that takes care of her people before seeking out ways to bend other nations to its will.

Imagine.

Amen.

Say it, darn you!

I know someone who is at the end stages of a terrible cancer. he is a good man & my heart just breaks for him & his family.

No one handles the pending death of a friend /loved one well. While my heart is sore for the pain that this family must face as they prepare to say goodbye to their husband/father/brother/uncle/son, son-in/law/brother-in-arms, etc etc I've been thinking about my own life.

There is much I've left unsaid to those whom I love.

I'm not good with emotions, to me it is much easier for me to cope with the world with a Mr Spock-like logic{ Star Trek}. I can deal with facts, but emotions render me stupid. I'm bad with ALL human emotions , even such happy occasions such as weddings confuse me. Human emotions & responses to such emotions frustrate & mystify me.  Although I FEEL deeply I often either totally lack a response to said emotion or have a totally inappropriate response.

I say all this just to make a point. There is much I wish I could tell people that I just{ for one reason or another}cannot.

Reba McIntyre has a wonderful song that echos how I felt about my Pap. The lyrics that *almost* have me in tears every time go something like this " He never said 'I love you' / I guess he though I knew" .

One person who immediately comes to mind is a friend of many years from my time at First College. This individual has played a big part in my life , but due to circumstances I have never told this person how much they mean & have always meant to me. During the years, this friend & I have seen each other through some major life events. Illness, a divorce, my moving to Florida, the death of one of their parents & the death of my Pap,a publication of a book{clearly not my accomplishment} my brother's wedding, my finally finding happiness with Best Dude, travels. You get the idea: we've been through a lot.

But I never told them.

We live hundred s of miles apart now & all I want to do is tell this individual how blessed I am to have them in my life & that I've always treasured the somewhat unorthodox yet very deep friendship-in-Christ we share.

But how should I do this?

Facebook is totally inappropriate. Email isn't much better than Facebook, at least in my opinion. Should I write a 'snail mail' letter & send it via US Post? Maybe I should call & tell them?
I don't know.

Color me confused.