As usual, a Facebook post led my thoughts to wander down a metaphorical " rabbit hole". As someone whose Myers-Briggs personality type is INFJ and being slightly on the autism spectrum, I know what it is like to be a " weirdo". At my age of close to 40 years old, this " otherness" status does not bother me. As a matter of fact, after recently seeing how some so-called ' cool kids' act, I am grateful that I've never been part of any In Crowd.
I've always been the sort of woman and girl who prefers the company of guys rather than that of my own gender. When guys are mean to you , one KNOWS one is being bullied. This is not so with girls and women. Female humans can be truly vicious creatures, and most of the time these attacks are not brought on by someone defending her young.
I can recall countless instances in school when my intuition KNEW that some girls were trying to bullshit me yet my lack to social insight did not let me identify exactly WHAT the bullshit was about. As I've matured in age and experience , I'm slightly better at determining the source of social bullshit but still feel deep sorrow when I am bullied, excluded or otherwise made to feel "less than".
Eleanor Roosevelt said " No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."
Preach it, sister, preach it!
If someone doesn't want me around, I can tell. and I've grown beyond giving much merit to such narrow minded people who need to be cruel to me [ or anyone else] so that they can feel better about who THEY are.
Yo Bullies and Mean Girls, I am sorry that you hate yourselves so much. But how is making ME feel shitty about who I am stoke YOUR ego?
When adults bully or exclude me, I am hurt. It sucks for someone to remind me that there are petty, childish people in this world. Of course no one is perfect, but grown men and women who intentionally seek to belittle others both anger and sadden me.
Yet I've learned that how these people treat others says a hell of a lot more about the state of THEIR self-esteem than about me. After years of not listening to my mother telling me so, I've learned that bullies pick on people whom they perceive as weaker or different in order to boost their already fragile egos. I do not understand why these people must hurt someone else in order to make themselves feel ' important' { whatever the hell THAT means}but their issues are not MY issues.
I've also learned that women and men who continue to bully others well into adulthood hang out with others who behave in a similar manner. The concept of Mean Girls { and guys} extends throughout the lifespan. While I am sure that most children and teens who bully others grow into fine adults , I know from experience that some refuse to give up the cliquish separations that are so pervasive in middle and high schools. This is sad to me that some people peak at 16 years of age, but their issues should not be my problem. Actually, their insecurities are NOT my problem. Life is too short to deal with bullshit.
The end.
Showing posts with label 20 years. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 20 years. Show all posts
Saturday, January 17, 2015
Thursday, December 18, 2014
An open letter to bullies...anyone who is or has been a bully.
Dear former and current bullies....
Why did/do you feel the need to put others down in order to make yourself feel superior? After all, we are all human mammals and all our shit stinks. What gives YOU the right to torment those of us that you see or saw as weak or somehow " less than" ? Is it because secretly we possess a quality that you wish you could have? Is it because someone mistreats or mistreated you? Or are you just MEAN by nature?
None of these are good excuses to be a bully. You may not like or understand your past or current victims, but that does not give you the right to torment and humiliate us. We are all different, but we share the same humanity. If YOU were bullied, why do you inflict pain onto others? And by the way, not all of us who suffered or are suffering from bullying end up tormenting others. Some of us have integrity and know how WRONG such behavior is and how it affects victims throughout our lives.
Oh, you do not think that your actions have affected or will affect us , your victims, as we continue to live our lives.
WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Those of us who were bullied as young people ARE affected every day by your actions that occurred so long ago. I harbor many bad memories of " mean girls" and mean boys in school that have made me cynical, suspicious and guarded. I do not trust people easily, and when betrayed, cannot forgive those who hurt me. It has taken me YEARS to find my own self-worth that was destroyed by your " fun" had at my expense. Thank to your " fun" I now suffer from neurosis that make me very hard to get to know.
Why? Thank to you, I am careful whom I let into my life. Although I know many people, I consider precious few of them as friends. Your actions taught me that people do not always say what they mean nor do they mean what they say.
Because of my autism, it is even harder for me to decode social situations, and I would much rather stay within my own mind than engage with stranger who could become friends or, as you bullying types are so fond of doing, become my " frenemies." The latter are the worst type of bullies, as it is never known which of the " faces" we victims will see at any given hour or day.
I've forgiven, but not forgotten. My hope is that my nephew's generation will not know the evils of bullying and its effects on its victims, but I realize that my hope is lofty at best. Although I am far from perfect, I strive to learn and grow each day. And I can honestly say that I've never treated anyone as poorly as you treated your victims.
Be nice,
Sarah Beth
Why did/do you feel the need to put others down in order to make yourself feel superior? After all, we are all human mammals and all our shit stinks. What gives YOU the right to torment those of us that you see or saw as weak or somehow " less than" ? Is it because secretly we possess a quality that you wish you could have? Is it because someone mistreats or mistreated you? Or are you just MEAN by nature?
None of these are good excuses to be a bully. You may not like or understand your past or current victims, but that does not give you the right to torment and humiliate us. We are all different, but we share the same humanity. If YOU were bullied, why do you inflict pain onto others? And by the way, not all of us who suffered or are suffering from bullying end up tormenting others. Some of us have integrity and know how WRONG such behavior is and how it affects victims throughout our lives.
Oh, you do not think that your actions have affected or will affect us , your victims, as we continue to live our lives.
WRONG WRONG WRONG!
Those of us who were bullied as young people ARE affected every day by your actions that occurred so long ago. I harbor many bad memories of " mean girls" and mean boys in school that have made me cynical, suspicious and guarded. I do not trust people easily, and when betrayed, cannot forgive those who hurt me. It has taken me YEARS to find my own self-worth that was destroyed by your " fun" had at my expense. Thank to your " fun" I now suffer from neurosis that make me very hard to get to know.
Why? Thank to you, I am careful whom I let into my life. Although I know many people, I consider precious few of them as friends. Your actions taught me that people do not always say what they mean nor do they mean what they say.
Because of my autism, it is even harder for me to decode social situations, and I would much rather stay within my own mind than engage with stranger who could become friends or, as you bullying types are so fond of doing, become my " frenemies." The latter are the worst type of bullies, as it is never known which of the " faces" we victims will see at any given hour or day.
I've forgiven, but not forgotten. My hope is that my nephew's generation will not know the evils of bullying and its effects on its victims, but I realize that my hope is lofty at best. Although I am far from perfect, I strive to learn and grow each day. And I can honestly say that I've never treated anyone as poorly as you treated your victims.
Be nice,
Sarah Beth
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Mean Girls
I was bulled throughout much of my childhood.
Bullies suck, and I always wondered what will happen to these insecure children who must prey on " weaker" or " different" children in order to find some security.
Mean girls in school become mean girls in adulthood.
Their mode of operations probably will become more sophisticated, but they are the same catty, two-faced wrenches who made the school years of many people a living hell. They group together around one who is perceived as the "Queen Bee" and scan the workplace or other social outlet in today's adult would for a woman whom they perceive as weaker. They appear to befriend their victim, and she, grateful for the companionship, accepts their conditional friendship.
According to the Queen Bee's whim, the group of girls take turns including and excluding their victim. She repeatedly forgives them for their abuse after all, they DO include her { At least half of the time & when the are not whispering about her in clandestine gatherings. No matter how hard she tries, she does not feel totally validated or accepted by her " friends". Until , "egged on by Queen Bee" the Mean Girls do something so hurtful to their victim that she ends up in counseling or starts to exhibit forms of unhealthy behaviors. Eventually the victim DOES break away from the Mean Girls, but she never forgets the abuse by her alleged " friends".
From the playground to the work place & all places where humans gather socially. Mean girls still exist. When they are adults, it is harder to identify their Queen Bee, but rest assured that she is there. Adult Mean Girls are even harder to identify.
Beware.
Bullies suck, and I always wondered what will happen to these insecure children who must prey on " weaker" or " different" children in order to find some security.
Mean girls in school become mean girls in adulthood.
Their mode of operations probably will become more sophisticated, but they are the same catty, two-faced wrenches who made the school years of many people a living hell. They group together around one who is perceived as the "Queen Bee" and scan the workplace or other social outlet in today's adult would for a woman whom they perceive as weaker. They appear to befriend their victim, and she, grateful for the companionship, accepts their conditional friendship.
According to the Queen Bee's whim, the group of girls take turns including and excluding their victim. She repeatedly forgives them for their abuse after all, they DO include her { At least half of the time & when the are not whispering about her in clandestine gatherings. No matter how hard she tries, she does not feel totally validated or accepted by her " friends". Until , "egged on by Queen Bee" the Mean Girls do something so hurtful to their victim that she ends up in counseling or starts to exhibit forms of unhealthy behaviors. Eventually the victim DOES break away from the Mean Girls, but she never forgets the abuse by her alleged " friends".
From the playground to the work place & all places where humans gather socially. Mean girls still exist. When they are adults, it is harder to identify their Queen Bee, but rest assured that she is there. Adult Mean Girls are even harder to identify.
Beware.
Monday, June 9, 2014
I am {NOT} a rock. I am {NOT} an island
"I Am A Rock" By Simon & Garfunkel
As I continue on this journey , I learn who my true " community" is , and I am learning that my community need not be confined to the municipality where I live. My community is where I am loved with an agape love that asks for nothing in return. I freely give that same love to others in my community. There should not be restricted giving of love, but all too often I am guilty of freely loving people who are easy to love. I am guilty of the sin of pride & self-righteousness. Let's be honest---we all lack enough humility to love as Christ commands us to love. We are called to love one another, especially those in our fragile human communities.
Love each other always, but love each other more during times of weakness.
Amen. Alleluia.
Pentecost 2014
A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
This is one of my all-time favorite songs. As a matter of fact, to me it is the ultimate introvert's anthem.
People scare me. Relationships can be messy. I took sociology as part of my general education requirements in college, and { still} can only see human foibles through the "lens" of social science.
People baffle & disappoint me .
Groups of people under then influence of a manipulative and/or charismatic leader can turn toxic quickly.
I do not trust easily.
My sensitivity does not allow for me to display my vulnerability.
However, in these past few years, I have discovered that I am NOT a rock NOR an island. People are created to live together in communities & groups. Even we introverts with autism need some degree of social interaction. I've needed to become vulnerable in order to grow. I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable but growth occurs sometimes during our weakest moments.
Yesterday was Pentecost. The Christian church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples.. Note the plural of the last word in the previous sentence. All people are communal by nature, but we Christians are even more communal { or " tribal" as it may be} than some other people.
As I continue on this journey , I learn who my true " community" is , and I am learning that my community need not be confined to the municipality where I live. My community is where I am loved with an agape love that asks for nothing in return. I freely give that same love to others in my community. There should not be restricted giving of love, but all too often I am guilty of freely loving people who are easy to love. I am guilty of the sin of pride & self-righteousness. Let's be honest---we all lack enough humility to love as Christ commands us to love. We are called to love one another, especially those in our fragile human communities.
Love each other always, but love each other more during times of weakness.
Amen. Alleluia.
Pentecost 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
" Counting Calories" at the gym
This morning I overheard { despite my best intentions to TUNE OUT the conversation} a trainer and a client chatting about counting calories. Now I realize that everyone elses' wellness goals are different, but as someone who is and always will be in recovery from disordered eating, I found this whole exchange between the two women triggering. the client was not overweight in the least U chatted LOUDLY to her trainer about how little she eats per day.
Heartbreaking. :O(
I was an athlete during high school who also suffered from disordered eating. I will not delve into the details, but it will suffice to say that I ate way too few calories for a normal teen girl, let alone one who ran constantly at JV basketball practice each day after classes. I was OBSESSED with eating as few calories as possible without literally fainting from lack of glucose.
My parents have my sophomore and junior high school yearbooks, and I cannot bear to look at the photos of myself during these years. I totally bought into the media's obsession with " thin is in" and the resulting disordered eating has left me with some irreparable health problems. I am eternally grateful that I survived the years of self-abuse incurred by my eating disorders.
It saddens me that some women STILL feel that " thin is in". the media still tells we women how we " should" look like and that there is something " wrong" with women who do not meet their ridiculous ideal of " feminine beauty" . This is so damaging to women & girls----eating disorders DO NOT go away just because someone has changed her{ or in rarer cases HIS} behaviors towards food & exercise. Recovery, as with other behavioral illnesses, is ongoing.
Damn it, I hate my acute sense of hearing. My strategy for the next time I see these two together in the gym: place the ear buds back into my ears and turn up the music! I've no time for that " calorie counting" nonsense in my healthy lifestyle.
That's all.
Heartbreaking. :O(
I was an athlete during high school who also suffered from disordered eating. I will not delve into the details, but it will suffice to say that I ate way too few calories for a normal teen girl, let alone one who ran constantly at JV basketball practice each day after classes. I was OBSESSED with eating as few calories as possible without literally fainting from lack of glucose.
My parents have my sophomore and junior high school yearbooks, and I cannot bear to look at the photos of myself during these years. I totally bought into the media's obsession with " thin is in" and the resulting disordered eating has left me with some irreparable health problems. I am eternally grateful that I survived the years of self-abuse incurred by my eating disorders.
It saddens me that some women STILL feel that " thin is in". the media still tells we women how we " should" look like and that there is something " wrong" with women who do not meet their ridiculous ideal of " feminine beauty" . This is so damaging to women & girls----eating disorders DO NOT go away just because someone has changed her{ or in rarer cases HIS} behaviors towards food & exercise. Recovery, as with other behavioral illnesses, is ongoing.
Damn it, I hate my acute sense of hearing. My strategy for the next time I see these two together in the gym: place the ear buds back into my ears and turn up the music! I've no time for that " calorie counting" nonsense in my healthy lifestyle.
That's all.
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Bring on the reunion! It's a wonderful life!
Its a date....my 20th High School Reunion will occur on July 19. It is to be a dress-up affair with a cash bar, food and music.
I'm going.
While I sincerely HOPE that Best Dude can come with me, I've accepted the fact that I might attend my reunion alone. That's OK by me, as I am much more confident than I was as a teen, and I'm pretty damn pleased with my life.
Inasmuch as I HATED high school { save for my time on the sports & Quiz Bowl teams and work summers at The Lake}. My grades for sure did not reflect my intellect, and I spent more time in the vice-principle's office than I care to admit.
I didn't go to either my junior nor senior prom and I attended ONE Homecoming formal { I went " stag " with a girl friend after said guy who DID ask me to the dance bailed on me with some lame-ass excuse.}As a matter of fact, I did not attend a formal dance until First College.
I was lame. I might have been an athlete and taking a hard course load , but I was a " nobody".
Girls were just a little bit mean to me and boys ignored me. My poor self-image led to dangerously disordered eating habits.
I was a mess.
In retrospect, most of my teen angst issues were related to my { then yet undiagnosed} autism coupled with intense introversion. Most of my lunch hours were spent in vain attempts to become invisible from the rest of the student body and trying hard to work up the courage to talk with Cute Boy. My parents were wonderful, {as they still are} and tried everything in their knowledge base to help me. Thankfully my small, rural school had some GREAT faculty members who went beyond the call of teacher and tried to help me fit in.
Now at the age of 37.5, I still don't fit in and I am more than okay with being an oddball. I'm blessed with a great boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I am totally over the disordered eating and am now on a healthy eating and exercise regime. I am the proud Aunt of an adorable baby nephew and proud fur-parent of a big dog. Best Dude and I keep several chickens in our backyard Both my parents are alive and healthy and I live in FLORIDA!
Life is sweet. I'm going into the 20th reunion with an open mind and without any grudges or otherwise " bad blood" I am not the girl whom I was back in 1994 : I am a healthy , happy version of me with most of the " bugs" worked out of my " operating system".
Amen.
I'm going.
While I sincerely HOPE that Best Dude can come with me, I've accepted the fact that I might attend my reunion alone. That's OK by me, as I am much more confident than I was as a teen, and I'm pretty damn pleased with my life.
Inasmuch as I HATED high school { save for my time on the sports & Quiz Bowl teams and work summers at The Lake}. My grades for sure did not reflect my intellect, and I spent more time in the vice-principle's office than I care to admit.
I didn't go to either my junior nor senior prom and I attended ONE Homecoming formal { I went " stag " with a girl friend after said guy who DID ask me to the dance bailed on me with some lame-ass excuse.}As a matter of fact, I did not attend a formal dance until First College.
I was lame. I might have been an athlete and taking a hard course load , but I was a " nobody".
Girls were just a little bit mean to me and boys ignored me. My poor self-image led to dangerously disordered eating habits.
I was a mess.
In retrospect, most of my teen angst issues were related to my { then yet undiagnosed} autism coupled with intense introversion. Most of my lunch hours were spent in vain attempts to become invisible from the rest of the student body and trying hard to work up the courage to talk with Cute Boy. My parents were wonderful, {as they still are} and tried everything in their knowledge base to help me. Thankfully my small, rural school had some GREAT faculty members who went beyond the call of teacher and tried to help me fit in.
Now at the age of 37.5, I still don't fit in and I am more than okay with being an oddball. I'm blessed with a great boyfriend who loves me unconditionally. I am totally over the disordered eating and am now on a healthy eating and exercise regime. I am the proud Aunt of an adorable baby nephew and proud fur-parent of a big dog. Best Dude and I keep several chickens in our backyard Both my parents are alive and healthy and I live in FLORIDA!
Life is sweet. I'm going into the 20th reunion with an open mind and without any grudges or otherwise " bad blood" I am not the girl whom I was back in 1994 : I am a healthy , happy version of me with most of the " bugs" worked out of my " operating system".
Amen.
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Life begins after 30
There is a meme going around Facebook which, although I am amused by it, it does not " speak" to my life experiences.
My teenage years & even my 20's basically sucked. High school & middle school were especially painful for me. Although I met some of my closest friends during my first stink at college, my second decade was not too much better than was my first one.
Some people may wish to relive their youth, but I eagerly anticipate whatever the future holds for me. While I am grateful for the past & all I've learned, I do not desire to relive those years. In a culture that glorifies youth, I choose to look forward to maturing with pride & dignity. At the age of 37, I am in the BEST physical shape that I've ever been! I'm free from the painful dietary restrictions of disordered eating & the correct combinations of medicines helped me cope with living on the {highly-functioning} autism spectrum. I'm blessed to be in a relationship with the love of my life. While I will never really consider myself as a Floridian, I'm truly enjoying coastal life
You can keep your youth if you wish to do so. Bring on the future!
Some people may wish to relive their youth, but I eagerly anticipate whatever the future holds for me. While I am grateful for the past & all I've learned, I do not desire to relive those years. In a culture that glorifies youth, I choose to look forward to maturing with pride & dignity. At the age of 37, I am in the BEST physical shape that I've ever been! I'm free from the painful dietary restrictions of disordered eating & the correct combinations of medicines helped me cope with living on the {highly-functioning} autism spectrum. I'm blessed to be in a relationship with the love of my life. While I will never really consider myself as a Floridian, I'm truly enjoying coastal life
You can keep your youth if you wish to do so. Bring on the future!
Friday, October 18, 2013
Bullying stops here NOW
I take a stand against bullying.
When I graduated from school 20 years ago, bullies tormented victims either in person, using nasty handwritten notes in lockers, or via telephone.
Today's bullies have a whole new slew of tools with which to torture victims.
I am grateful that I grew up before the Internet became a huge part of everyday life.
The effects of bullying affect victims throughout our lives. Although TV's _The Big Bang Theory_ is fictional, the show's main protagonists are all victims of severe bullying & it affects their perception of society.
It is hard to trust people who appear to be kind when one's perceptions have been altered by bullying
Since my tormentors were other girls, I struggle with forming relationships with other women. I never know when someone I meet is being friendly or " catty". My social anxiety is further affected by my slight autism--- I don't understand sarcasm { think " Sheldon Cooper" of _The Big Bang Theory_} and I am very self-conscious when meeting new people.
Yet my experience with bullying has made me an advocate for those who ARE bullied. In my opinion, people should be free to be whom they are without fear of retribution from " the cool kids".
That's all.
.
When I graduated from school 20 years ago, bullies tormented victims either in person, using nasty handwritten notes in lockers, or via telephone.
Today's bullies have a whole new slew of tools with which to torture victims.
I am grateful that I grew up before the Internet became a huge part of everyday life.
The effects of bullying affect victims throughout our lives. Although TV's _The Big Bang Theory_ is fictional, the show's main protagonists are all victims of severe bullying & it affects their perception of society.
It is hard to trust people who appear to be kind when one's perceptions have been altered by bullying
Since my tormentors were other girls, I struggle with forming relationships with other women. I never know when someone I meet is being friendly or " catty". My social anxiety is further affected by my slight autism--- I don't understand sarcasm { think " Sheldon Cooper" of _The Big Bang Theory_} and I am very self-conscious when meeting new people.
Yet my experience with bullying has made me an advocate for those who ARE bullied. In my opinion, people should be free to be whom they are without fear of retribution from " the cool kids".
That's all.
.
Sunday, August 18, 2013
Things I would tell my 18-year-old self.....
Have you ever wondered what you would tell your younger self if you had a chance to time-travel?
One of my favorite Brad Paisley songs is " Letter To Me" The lyrics basically are a letter to Mr. Paisley's 17-year-old self.
If I could write a letter to myself during the summer that I graduated from high school, this is what I would say:
Dear 18-year-old Sarah Beth:
Congrats! After four years of hell, you made it through high school. Much awaits you on this journey called adulthood.
You WILL make it through college: although your post-secondary academic career will take a detour.
Don't worry, your first three years of undergrad will NOT be a waste of time--- you'll meet some of your dearest friends { and your first true love} at Small College. Your faith in God will grow, and Campus Ministries will be instrumental in the development of both your social and spiritual life. Embrace all the opportunities that your time at Small College offers, both the good & the not-so-good times. Take a variety of demanding courses and do not worry about graduating in four years--- so much more is ahead of you than you can ever imagine as a college freshman.
Cherish the friends you'll make at Small College, as these people will be an emotional " lifeline" later.
Regarding your very first true heartbreak: remember that " if you love something or someone, let him go. If he comes back to you, he's yours. If he doesn't, he was never "yours" in the first place.
Enjoy your time with Pap. Tell him that you love him every chance you see him. No one lives forever. Ditto for Granny Jeanne, she really does love you. Try to ignore her sharp tongue , or better yet---laugh at some of the inane things she says. She won't be around forever either.
Listen to your parents. They really do hold your best interests in mind. There are some things that parental units just * cannot* understand, but know that they love you & only wish for your happiness.
Be open-minded regarding the move to Florida { Yes, you will move to Florida} Embrace what the " Sunshine State" has to offer. It is OK to be homesick, as you are an Appalachian Girl forever, but just know that Florida will eventually endear itself to you.
Follow where the Holy Spirit leads...you'll come to a crisis in your faith life but know that God is always with you. You will be just fine & the existential faith crisis will be the vessel that God uses to bring you to a wonderful faith community. Be not afraid.
Do not worry about meeting the right guy. He is for sure worth the wait! You have so many good years ahead of you.
Live. Laugh. Love.
Sarah at age 37
One of my favorite Brad Paisley songs is " Letter To Me" The lyrics basically are a letter to Mr. Paisley's 17-year-old self.
If I could write a letter to myself during the summer that I graduated from high school, this is what I would say:
Dear 18-year-old Sarah Beth:
Congrats! After four years of hell, you made it through high school. Much awaits you on this journey called adulthood.
You WILL make it through college: although your post-secondary academic career will take a detour.
Don't worry, your first three years of undergrad will NOT be a waste of time--- you'll meet some of your dearest friends { and your first true love} at Small College. Your faith in God will grow, and Campus Ministries will be instrumental in the development of both your social and spiritual life. Embrace all the opportunities that your time at Small College offers, both the good & the not-so-good times. Take a variety of demanding courses and do not worry about graduating in four years--- so much more is ahead of you than you can ever imagine as a college freshman.
Cherish the friends you'll make at Small College, as these people will be an emotional " lifeline" later.
Regarding your very first true heartbreak: remember that " if you love something or someone, let him go. If he comes back to you, he's yours. If he doesn't, he was never "yours" in the first place.
Enjoy your time with Pap. Tell him that you love him every chance you see him. No one lives forever. Ditto for Granny Jeanne, she really does love you. Try to ignore her sharp tongue , or better yet---laugh at some of the inane things she says. She won't be around forever either.
Listen to your parents. They really do hold your best interests in mind. There are some things that parental units just * cannot* understand, but know that they love you & only wish for your happiness.
Be open-minded regarding the move to Florida { Yes, you will move to Florida} Embrace what the " Sunshine State" has to offer. It is OK to be homesick, as you are an Appalachian Girl forever, but just know that Florida will eventually endear itself to you.
Follow where the Holy Spirit leads...you'll come to a crisis in your faith life but know that God is always with you. You will be just fine & the existential faith crisis will be the vessel that God uses to bring you to a wonderful faith community. Be not afraid.
Do not worry about meeting the right guy. He is for sure worth the wait! You have so many good years ahead of you.
Live. Laugh. Love.
Sarah at age 37
Thursday, June 20, 2013
another foray into the world of fiction{writing}
My muse is back. She has taken quite a long hiatus, but returned in full-force.
Alleluia!
There is nothing quite like one's approaching 20th high school reunion { next summer, Class of 1994!} to put one into a retrospective mood.
Anyhow, I recently signed up for the online fiction-writing & sharing community called Fictionpress.net. { my screen name there is: sarahbethmac} I'm still in the process of writing my first fiction to be published there, but if anyone is interested, just message me on Facebook. I can let you know when I upload the finished product.
One of my reasons for joining Fictionpress.net is so I can get some online motivation & accountability from other writers. years ago I was part of a writers group here in Beach Town, but I've since stopped attending meeting after I realized I hadn't any work to share with others. Plus, since I cannot drive, attending the nighttime meetings depended heavily on rides from other people.
Anyhow, the basic premise of my story is as follows:
A woman returns to her hometown in time for her 20th high school reunion. She agrees to meet an old flame from her college years at a restaurant.near her alma mater. As they chat, they both come to realize that, although they will always be good friends, their lives have taken them in paths that are not compatible now.
This story is actually one that has been " floating" around in my mind since I first heard the Garth Brooks song _Unanswered Prayers_.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alleluia!
There is nothing quite like one's approaching 20th high school reunion { next summer, Class of 1994!} to put one into a retrospective mood.
Anyhow, I recently signed up for the online fiction-writing & sharing community called Fictionpress.net. { my screen name there is: sarahbethmac} I'm still in the process of writing my first fiction to be published there, but if anyone is interested, just message me on Facebook. I can let you know when I upload the finished product.
One of my reasons for joining Fictionpress.net is so I can get some online motivation & accountability from other writers. years ago I was part of a writers group here in Beach Town, but I've since stopped attending meeting after I realized I hadn't any work to share with others. Plus, since I cannot drive, attending the nighttime meetings depended heavily on rides from other people.
Anyhow, the basic premise of my story is as follows:
A woman returns to her hometown in time for her 20th high school reunion. She agrees to meet an old flame from her college years at a restaurant.near her alma mater. As they chat, they both come to realize that, although they will always be good friends, their lives have taken them in paths that are not compatible now.
This story is actually one that has been " floating" around in my mind since I first heard the Garth Brooks song _Unanswered Prayers_.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
A friend is a friend forever...until you get " unfriended"
I am getting closer to Vacation 2013. Today I organized my clothing in our spare bedroom, made a " to-do"list of tasks to complete within the next few days and made a phone call to my favorite aunt in Pennsylvania.
On the agenda for this trip is a visit with a long term friend from my First College. We met in church when I was a freshman & we've maintained a very good friendship ever since then. We haven't seen each other in person for 17 years, so I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with him after years of maintaining contact via email, occasional phone calls & now Facebook.
Although I've MANY gripes regarding Facebook, at the same time I'm grateful that this social tool has put me in contact { or in closer contact} with people whom I otherwise would not hear from at all{ or very rarely}
Which brings me to the phenomenon known as **UNFRIENDING**. If you use Facebook at all, there is a good chance that you have been "unfriended" by someone. There is even a better chance that you have "unfriended" someone. Now I know that online " unfriending" is {usually} not one-and-the-same with actually ending a friendship IRL {in real life}. Its especially awkward when someone whom you DO know & see regularly suddenly chooses to end your association online. Maybe I'm reading too much into this , but if I've offended someone, I generally wish for the chance to make amends. If I am " unfriended" by an associate without an explanation, I am wary of contacting him or her again offline.
Now I know that, in the great scheme of human interactions, that unfriending is not really much of a big deal. But let's be honest for a moment, when one finds out that an associate IRL has " unfriended" one on Facebook, one feels a bit miffed.
Or perhaps it is worse when someone "unfriends" you and you KNOW his or her reason for said unfriending. An example from my own life: I was e-pals with this woman whom I'd met via Facebook on a Facebook group for socially-progressive Episcopalians. We have a lot in common & emailed/talked regularly. She lives in a northern city & although we'd never met in person i considered her a friend{ you know, sort of like the "pen pals" of old} Anyhow, when Best Dude & I started dating , this e-pal suddenly unfriended me. Although I'm not positive{ she hasn't contacted me since} I'm almost certain that my changing my relationship status from *single* to *in a relationship* bothered her to the point that she wanted to cut off contact.
Whatever.
Just sayin' .
On the agenda for this trip is a visit with a long term friend from my First College. We met in church when I was a freshman & we've maintained a very good friendship ever since then. We haven't seen each other in person for 17 years, so I am really looking forward to spending some quality time with him after years of maintaining contact via email, occasional phone calls & now Facebook.
Although I've MANY gripes regarding Facebook, at the same time I'm grateful that this social tool has put me in contact { or in closer contact} with people whom I otherwise would not hear from at all{ or very rarely}
Which brings me to the phenomenon known as **UNFRIENDING**. If you use Facebook at all, there is a good chance that you have been "unfriended" by someone. There is even a better chance that you have "unfriended" someone. Now I know that online " unfriending" is {usually} not one-and-the-same with actually ending a friendship IRL {in real life}. Its especially awkward when someone whom you DO know & see regularly suddenly chooses to end your association online. Maybe I'm reading too much into this , but if I've offended someone, I generally wish for the chance to make amends. If I am " unfriended" by an associate without an explanation, I am wary of contacting him or her again offline.
Or perhaps it is worse when someone "unfriends" you and you KNOW his or her reason for said unfriending. An example from my own life: I was e-pals with this woman whom I'd met via Facebook on a Facebook group for socially-progressive Episcopalians. We have a lot in common & emailed/talked regularly. She lives in a northern city & although we'd never met in person i considered her a friend{ you know, sort of like the "pen pals" of old} Anyhow, when Best Dude & I started dating , this e-pal suddenly unfriended me. Although I'm not positive{ she hasn't contacted me since} I'm almost certain that my changing my relationship status from *single* to *in a relationship* bothered her to the point that she wanted to cut off contact.
Whatever.
Just sayin' .
Friday, June 7, 2013
For all those " Not-Moms" out there...
One of my very least-favorite social conventions is that of the bridal or baby shower.
I hate attending these social events. First of all, my personality is more suited to events where there will be a mixed -company guest list. I'm not fully comfortable in social situations that encompass only women.
Bridal & baby showers ,, to me at least, re-enforce the old idea of what is " feminine" . I am not married & am not a mother & these events { and the anxiety that leads up to me attending these events}is cause for a lot of sadness.
Next year will be my 20th high school reunion & some of the women in my class have children who are teenagers already. Almost all of them are parents whose Facebook feeds are filled with cute photos of happy children. I'm happy for them, truly I am. But at the same time I cannot help but wonder what my classmates think of me. Am I **the crazy dog-lady**. ?
When I was little I wanted children. I've been told that I am quite talented in the area of working with young people & Until a few years ago felt that motherhood might be a reality for me.
It " ain't" happening. Motherhood is not part of the plan.
Most of the time I am okay with my non-motherhood. Best Dude & I adopted a dog who is pretty much like " our child". Being childless allows for much " Sarah time" that I otherwise would not have had I been able to be a mother. In short, my life is great as it is & I'm blessed in so many ways. We have a full & rich life together.
But on occasion I feel a wave of incomprehensible grief wash over me regarding my childlessness . Usually this grief occurs around the time that I anticipate attending a baby shower.
Perhaps it is natural to mourn what " never will be" , but I feel like a { for lack of a better word in my vernacular} a " wuss". Like it or not, women who are not mothers are looked at differently than women without offspring. Sometimes I feel that there is a figurative & literal " Moms' Club" which I will never be asked to join. Childless men in our society are not looked upon as " less-than" but those of us who are women without children{ be our childlessness be a result of a lifestyle choice or a medical issue}
Another contributing factor is my ethnicity. My Mother is Jewish & even though I am Christian: part of my " cultural DNA" is that of the Eastern European Jews. Progeny are a VERY BIG DEAL to Jewish people due in part to their religion & I grew up with an idealized & rather narrow view of what constitutes as a " family".
But I know that familes are different and that my God-given gift of working with young people has not been wasted. I've taught Sunday school, worked as a babysitter for two of the BEST kids{ who are now young adults} & currently serve as an advisor to my parish's youth group. In addition to my work with young people, I am a very good dog-mom.
We childless & child-free people are not freaks of nature. Our families are just as valid as are more traditional family units.
Amen.
I hate attending these social events. First of all, my personality is more suited to events where there will be a mixed -company guest list. I'm not fully comfortable in social situations that encompass only women.
Bridal & baby showers ,, to me at least, re-enforce the old idea of what is " feminine" . I am not married & am not a mother & these events { and the anxiety that leads up to me attending these events}is cause for a lot of sadness.
Next year will be my 20th high school reunion & some of the women in my class have children who are teenagers already. Almost all of them are parents whose Facebook feeds are filled with cute photos of happy children. I'm happy for them, truly I am. But at the same time I cannot help but wonder what my classmates think of me. Am I **the crazy dog-lady**. ?
When I was little I wanted children. I've been told that I am quite talented in the area of working with young people & Until a few years ago felt that motherhood might be a reality for me.
It " ain't" happening. Motherhood is not part of the plan.
Most of the time I am okay with my non-motherhood. Best Dude & I adopted a dog who is pretty much like " our child". Being childless allows for much " Sarah time" that I otherwise would not have had I been able to be a mother. In short, my life is great as it is & I'm blessed in so many ways. We have a full & rich life together.
But on occasion I feel a wave of incomprehensible grief wash over me regarding my childlessness . Usually this grief occurs around the time that I anticipate attending a baby shower.
Perhaps it is natural to mourn what " never will be" , but I feel like a { for lack of a better word in my vernacular} a " wuss". Like it or not, women who are not mothers are looked at differently than women without offspring. Sometimes I feel that there is a figurative & literal " Moms' Club" which I will never be asked to join. Childless men in our society are not looked upon as " less-than" but those of us who are women without children{ be our childlessness be a result of a lifestyle choice or a medical issue}
Another contributing factor is my ethnicity. My Mother is Jewish & even though I am Christian: part of my " cultural DNA" is that of the Eastern European Jews. Progeny are a VERY BIG DEAL to Jewish people due in part to their religion & I grew up with an idealized & rather narrow view of what constitutes as a " family".
But I know that familes are different and that my God-given gift of working with young people has not been wasted. I've taught Sunday school, worked as a babysitter for two of the BEST kids{ who are now young adults} & currently serve as an advisor to my parish's youth group. In addition to my work with young people, I am a very good dog-mom.
We childless & child-free people are not freaks of nature. Our families are just as valid as are more traditional family units.
Amen.
Friday, May 10, 2013
On the eve of my 37th year
I turn 37 this month.
Actually , the date of my birth is celebrated on the 17th
My 20th high school reunion is next summer. { Class of 1994}
This is a time of great reflection for me.
I'm NOT the shy, scrawny girl that most of my classmates will remember.
These past almost 20 years have seen both joys & sorrows.
But, the old adage is: what won't kill ya will make ya stronger.
Many women fear Time .
I do not: I embrace growing older.
I earned every "laugh line" on my face. I've much to celebrate during this 37th year.
Perhaps that some people find their 20's to be the best decade in life. This is not true for me: I struggled throughout my second decade just as much as I'd struggled throughout my teen years.
I drifted from job to job & from doctor to doctor: No one knew exactly why my brain works differently & as a result I'd been in & out of various psychotherapies. { both pharmaceutical & other} I struggled with seeking direction in my spiritual life while feeling entrapped within a toxic faith community.
Thanks be to God that I had the courage to seek out Small Parish & The Episcopal Church.
My parents are true heroes. I am eternally grateful to them for their assistance. Mom & Dad, as they always have went way beyond the parental " call of duty" ---and without their assistance I would most-likely be just another statistic.
Mom was the one who, through an associate she knew , got me tested for autism. Although I DO NOT let my diagnosis of autism define me: it is a part of who I am that I do not deny.
I'm entering my 37th year of life on this Planet Earth in the best physical shape I've ever been. Although I was an athlete{ albeit not a very successful one---especially in basketball}, my poor self-image made me struggle with body dysmorphia.
Not anymore.
My new motto is: STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY.
I am Woman, so hear me ROAR! Bring it on, 20th high school reunion!
Actually , the date of my birth is celebrated on the 17th
My 20th high school reunion is next summer. { Class of 1994}
This is a time of great reflection for me.
I'm NOT the shy, scrawny girl that most of my classmates will remember.
These past almost 20 years have seen both joys & sorrows.
But, the old adage is: what won't kill ya will make ya stronger.
Many women fear Time .
I do not: I embrace growing older.
Perhaps that some people find their 20's to be the best decade in life. This is not true for me: I struggled throughout my second decade just as much as I'd struggled throughout my teen years.
I drifted from job to job & from doctor to doctor: No one knew exactly why my brain works differently & as a result I'd been in & out of various psychotherapies. { both pharmaceutical & other} I struggled with seeking direction in my spiritual life while feeling entrapped within a toxic faith community.
Thanks be to God that I had the courage to seek out Small Parish & The Episcopal Church.
My parents are true heroes. I am eternally grateful to them for their assistance. Mom & Dad, as they always have went way beyond the parental " call of duty" ---and without their assistance I would most-likely be just another statistic.
Mom was the one who, through an associate she knew , got me tested for autism. Although I DO NOT let my diagnosis of autism define me: it is a part of who I am that I do not deny.
I'm entering my 37th year of life on this Planet Earth in the best physical shape I've ever been. Although I was an athlete{ albeit not a very successful one---especially in basketball}, my poor self-image made me struggle with body dysmorphia.
Not anymore.
My new motto is: STRONG IS THE NEW SKINNY.
I am Woman, so hear me ROAR! Bring it on, 20th high school reunion!
The little red-brick church in Ohio....
Lately I have found myself full of memories. Most of my formative years were rather painful, as I was misdiagnosed with several different mental-health problems & coming-of -age was harder for me than it is for most " neurotypical" people.
But there was one group of people besides my immediate family who always " had my back" { so to speak}
The people of Hill Top Presbyterian Church in rural Ohio, I salute you.
Since both my parents are & were unchurched, I was not baptized until the second year of my first attempt at college. It was a late summer evening late summer when I knocked on the door of the parsonage of the little Presbyterian church within walking distance of my home in Ohio. Normally I wasn't in the habit of knocking on parsonage doors, but I'd felt led by the Spirit Herself to walk myself up that hill & inquire about receiving the Sacrament of Holy Baptism.
When I told Jenny, the minister at the time, of my desire to be baptized, she said:
"Sarah, I have been praying for you to ask about baptism for a long time. Of course I'll baptize you."
Naturally it wasn't quite * that* easy. The Session{ the governing body of a local Presbyterian congregation} had to approve of my baptism.
The date was set for a Sunday morning in early October. I'd come home from college for the weekend & was very excited to be "officially" adopted into the Family of Christ who had nurtured my walk with God for several years.
Although I'm proudly Episcopalian, I'll be forever grateful to the people of Hill Top Church who took me in as a " spiritual orphan" & formally adopted me into the Family of God.
But there was one group of people besides my immediate family who always " had my back" { so to speak}
The people of Hill Top Presbyterian Church in rural Ohio, I salute you.
Since both my parents are & were unchurched, I was not baptized until the second year of my first attempt at college. It was a late summer evening late summer when I knocked on the door of the parsonage of the little Presbyterian church within walking distance of my home in Ohio. Normally I wasn't in the habit of knocking on parsonage doors, but I'd felt led by the Spirit Herself to walk myself up that hill & inquire about receiving the Sacrament of Holy Baptism.
When I told Jenny, the minister at the time, of my desire to be baptized, she said:
"Sarah, I have been praying for you to ask about baptism for a long time. Of course I'll baptize you."
Naturally it wasn't quite * that* easy. The Session{ the governing body of a local Presbyterian congregation} had to approve of my baptism.
The date was set for a Sunday morning in early October. I'd come home from college for the weekend & was very excited to be "officially" adopted into the Family of Christ who had nurtured my walk with God for several years.
Although I'm proudly Episcopalian, I'll be forever grateful to the people of Hill Top Church who took me in as a " spiritual orphan" & formally adopted me into the Family of God.
Saturday, April 27, 2013
Prom season & approaching reunions
I am looking at the photos of people's kids' proms on Facebook tonight & have a mixed reaction.
I feel RELIEF.
I am NOT that shy girl that I was when I was in high school--a girl who was so shy she could not even really carry on a flirtatious conversation with a cute boy--let alone ever get asked out on a date. :O( I did not attend either on of my high school proms & never was asked to any other sort of date in high school. Of course I was terribly shy & socially-awkward & my lack of self-confidence showed on my face back then. To be succinct, I was one messed up, depressed, lonely kid. All social aspects of teenage life mystified & bewildered me.
My{ at the time undiagnosed} autism left me as an easy target for bullies by girls & flat-out invisibility to boys. I wanted to " fit in" & at my school juniors & seniors all went to the prom. These proms were HUGE community events at the rural school I attended.
I tried hard to disguise my hurt at being left out of the whole prom experience by faking disdain for the " triviality" of the entire event. When that failed to sooth my sore emotions , I sat in my room on Prom Nights & cried.
Proms, like high school, conjure many bad memories for me. High school was hell on Earth to me.
Secondly, I feel PROUD. 20 years after high school, I am not the Sarah Beth that my classmates probably remember. I am the new & improved Sarah Beth.
Anyhow, my 20th class reunion will occur in the summer of 2014.
And I will not only ATTEND this event, I am actually looking forward to it after almost 20 years of "growing into" myself enough to be confident in who I am. Honestly, part of me wants to " show up" certain " popular" girls whose social status in high school was higher than mine. I take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually & accept myself as I am now.
The girls who were mean to me in school did NOT keep me down---and it is because I was so badly bullied that I staunchly oppose any form of prejudice. My bullies allowed for me to experience life{ on some level anyhow} as someone not like the collective " them". I do not look at myself as a victim, but as someone who has overcome adversity by learning to accept herself as she is{ a person with high-functioning autism}& opening my heart to those who are more marginalized than me.Yours truly: a white, straight, Christian , middle-class woman has close friends who happen to be poor, homosexual, non-Caucasian, & of other or no faith groups.
Bring it on, Summer 2014!
I feel RELIEF.
I am NOT that shy girl that I was when I was in high school--a girl who was so shy she could not even really carry on a flirtatious conversation with a cute boy--let alone ever get asked out on a date. :O( I did not attend either on of my high school proms & never was asked to any other sort of date in high school. Of course I was terribly shy & socially-awkward & my lack of self-confidence showed on my face back then. To be succinct, I was one messed up, depressed, lonely kid. All social aspects of teenage life mystified & bewildered me.
My{ at the time undiagnosed} autism left me as an easy target for bullies by girls & flat-out invisibility to boys. I wanted to " fit in" & at my school juniors & seniors all went to the prom. These proms were HUGE community events at the rural school I attended.
I tried hard to disguise my hurt at being left out of the whole prom experience by faking disdain for the " triviality" of the entire event. When that failed to sooth my sore emotions , I sat in my room on Prom Nights & cried.
Proms, like high school, conjure many bad memories for me. High school was hell on Earth to me.
Secondly, I feel PROUD. 20 years after high school, I am not the Sarah Beth that my classmates probably remember. I am the new & improved Sarah Beth.
Anyhow, my 20th class reunion will occur in the summer of 2014.
And I will not only ATTEND this event, I am actually looking forward to it after almost 20 years of "growing into" myself enough to be confident in who I am. Honestly, part of me wants to " show up" certain " popular" girls whose social status in high school was higher than mine. I take care of myself emotionally, physically, spiritually & accept myself as I am now.
The girls who were mean to me in school did NOT keep me down---and it is because I was so badly bullied that I staunchly oppose any form of prejudice. My bullies allowed for me to experience life{ on some level anyhow} as someone not like the collective " them". I do not look at myself as a victim, but as someone who has overcome adversity by learning to accept herself as she is{ a person with high-functioning autism}& opening my heart to those who are more marginalized than me.Yours truly: a white, straight, Christian , middle-class woman has close friends who happen to be poor, homosexual, non-Caucasian, & of other or no faith groups.
Bring it on, Summer 2014!
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