" Mean" by Taylor Swift

This song has been my " earworm" since Thursday. Thank you, Taylor Swift, for articulating what I cannot say. Bullies continue into adulthood. Parenthetical comments are mine. All yrics are Taylor Swift's and I do not own them.


"Mean"

You, with your words like knives
And swords and weapons that you use against me { Words words words....}
You have knocked me off my feet again { knocked me off when I am down}
Got me feeling like I'm nothing  ( again}
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard{ Hahaha so true}
Calling me out when I'm wounded
You picking on the weaker man { or woman}

You can take me down with just one single blow ( But I get right up}
But you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me [ Can't hit me now...I'm taller than you}
And all you're ever gonna be is mean { all you ever were is mean Shame on me for not seeing it earlier}
Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides
And your wildfire lies and your humiliation {Immature backstabbing b____ ! }
You have pointed out my flaws again
As if I don't already see them { I am not perfect, but YOU think you are!!}
I walk with my head down
Trying to block you out 'cause I'll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again { I was feeling fine til you yelled at me}

I bet you got pushed around
Somebody made you cold [ Ain't my fault}
But the cycle ends right now { This ain't high school, chika!}
'Cause you can't lead me down that road { 4 years of hell known as high school was over 20 years ago for me. No more.}
And you don't know, what you don't know...

Someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean
Why you gotta be so mean?

And I can see you years from now in a bar
Talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion
But nobody's listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can't sing { Teach...apparently I can't teach!}
But all you are is mean

All you are is mean
And a liar, and pathetic, and alone in life { Liar, two faced, hopeless, immature, MEAN}
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean

But someday I'll be living in a big ol' city
And all you're ever gonna be is mean, yeah
Someday I'll be big enough so you can't hit me
And all you're ever gonna be is mean

Quote of the day.

Hi, my name is Sarah Beth and I am addicted to quotes. Today one came across my Facebook page that I HAD to share, both on my personal page, via email, and here with my blog readers.


Sister Joan, Chissiter , a spiritual hero of mine, addressed a crowd at Wessally College . Here is part of what she told the packed " house' gathered to listen to the wisdom from the 78-year-old Catholic nun.




Without further ado, here is the promised quote:




"Choose what’s best in life over what is comfortable. Chose witness in life over the country club scene … Find a purpose large enough on which to spend yourselves. Torture, climate change, something that says, ‘my life isn’t over. This is yet to be done.’ What will they remember about you when you’re gone? What are you doing now that will not be forgotten"




This reminds me of what Jesus says in His famous Sermon On The Mount. Jesus does not call His followers to be complacent. we are not supposed to sit idle when there is so much injustice happening in our world.  We are called to be agents of healthy change, to be peacemakers in a world filled with wars and other conflicts. We are called to be meek...and by meek I DO NOT mean " weak" and to not seek revenge when wronged upon.


We are called to care for the earth and all its inhabitants. We are called to get out of ourselves and see how we can be of service to others.  We are called to love and honor all persons, even those whose lifestyles make no sense to us. A Christians, we are called to LOVE each other---- in spite of petty differences of opinions, lifestyles, political affiliations, ect.


Rather on focusing on what divides us, we should focus on solving problems that affect all of humanity. As we move towards the beginning of another calendar year, let us remember to live a life that matters. Don't live life for yourself, try instead to BE a change that is much needed right now.


Amen.

An open letter to bullies...anyone who is or has been a bully.

Dear former and current bullies....


Why did/do you feel the need to put others down in order to make yourself feel superior? After all, we are all human mammals and all our shit stinks. What gives YOU the right to torment those of us that you see or saw as weak or somehow " less than" ? Is it because secretly we possess a quality that you wish you could have? Is it because someone mistreats or mistreated you?  Or are you just MEAN by nature?


None of these are good excuses to be a bully. You may not like or understand your past or current victims, but that does not give you the right to torment and humiliate us.  We are all different, but we share the same humanity. If YOU were bullied, why do you inflict pain onto others? And by the way, not all of us who suffered or are suffering from bullying end up tormenting others. Some of us have integrity and know how WRONG such behavior is and how it affects victims throughout our lives.


Oh, you do not think that your actions have affected or will affect us , your victims, as we continue to live our lives.


WRONG WRONG WRONG! 


Those of us who were bullied as young people ARE affected every day by your actions that occurred so long ago. I harbor many bad memories of " mean girls" and mean boys in school that have made me cynical, suspicious and guarded. I do not trust people easily, and when betrayed, cannot forgive those who hurt me. It has taken me YEARS to find my own self-worth that was destroyed by your " fun" had at my expense. Thank to your " fun" I now suffer from neurosis that make me very hard to get to know.


Why? Thank to you, I  am careful whom I let into my life. Although I know many people, I consider precious few of them as friends. Your actions taught me that people do not always say what they mean nor do they mean what they say.


Because of my autism, it is even harder for me to decode social situations, and I would much rather  stay within my own mind than engage with stranger who could become friends or, as you bullying types are so fond of doing, become my " frenemies." The latter are the worst type of bullies, as it is never known which of the " faces" we victims will see at any given hour or day.


I've forgiven, but not forgotten. My hope is that my nephew's generation will not know the evils of bullying and its effects on its victims, but I realize that my hope is lofty at best. Although I am far from perfect, I strive to learn and grow each day. And I can honestly say that I've never treated anyone as poorly as you treated your victims.


Be nice,


Sarah Beth

Ready, Set, WRITE!!

It is midway through October and I can scarcely contain myself with waiting for November. Why? November is National Novel Writing Month & yearly I challenge myself to write a 50,000 word manuscript in 30 days. Last year I made just over 30,000 words & was pretty damn proud of myself.


This year, I am planning to start a novel that has been " living" in my mind for at least years.  Here is a quick synopsis:


A young {not yet reached her 30th birthday} Episcopal priest fresh out of seminary takes an old, historical parish in the northern Virginia mountains. No more than two months into her first year as a rector, she encounters the dead body of her Senior Warden lying face-down in a pool of blood in the church's sacristy.


Who killed him? And why would anyone WANT to kill him? Megan+, channels her inner Sherlock Holmes to find out who committed the murder. When some townspeople start gossiping, Megan knows she must solve the mystery in order to clear her name.


This shall be FUN to write.

Let it Go.

Although I have not finished Bishop Tutu's book _The Book Of Forgiving_ , this morning I realized that I am so over that which has hurt me. I have forgiven certain individuals whose actions & attitudes hurt me badly.


I have forgiven, but choose to not socialize with them. Sometimes relationships are worth saving but this one is not.


Since I'd not yet seen the movie _Frozen_ I had to look up the lyrics of the hit song by Idina Menzel. Here are the lyrics that " spoke" the most to me:


It's funny how some distance
Makes everything seem small
And the fears that once controlled me
Can't get to me at all!

It's time to see what I can do
To test the limits and break through
No right, no wrong, no rules for me I'm free!

Let it go, let it go
I am one with the wind and sky
Let it go, let it go
You'll never see me cry!


Forgiveness DOES NOT mean that one condones the wrongs done to him or her. Nor does forgiveness require reconciliation and a " reboot" of the damaged relationship. But forgiveness DOES mean that the thoughts of the person or people who have hurt you or me no longer take up space in my mind. I do NOT want to reconcile with them yet I do not " hate" them either. Right now I am at a really good place & am confident enough with my own choices. I know what is required of me by my LORD and savior and I also know He has forgiven me. So it is MY turn to forgive and to " let it go" .


Amen

On Stewardship, 2013-14

Yes, its that time of the year again. Weather turns { somewhat } colder in Florida, football is on TV several times per week, and all things " pumpkin spice" appear at retailers nationwide.


In the Church year, many are familiar with the annual autumn stewardship campaigns.


Anyone who knows me is aware how I've felt in the past about this annual event in the lives of congregations everywhere.  I'll admit that I HATE discussing money and budgets-- I tend to feel depressed even THINNKING about money. I do realize that money is our basis of trade in our society, and I accept this fact. However, the subject of finances makes me feel nervous.


My past issues with financial stewardship has NOTHING to do with how I fell about pledging to my Church.  As a matter of fact, since I had my own disposable income I've ALWAYS willingly pledged a percentage to the Church.  To me, financial support of the work of the Church is a response of gratitude for the many blessings I've received.


My problem with Stewardship Season is knowing that some people's financial gifts to the Church come with " strings attached" Now I am NOT talking about one-time monetary gifts designated for a particular use for a project /ministry; those type of gifts bless many people abundantly. What I speak of is the mindset that its acceptable to not support ministries in one's diocese  and/or national Church ministries.


I've heard several justifications for this practice. Frankly, I do not agree with ANY of said justifications. It breaks my heart & sours my stomach that , to some Christians, financial support of the Church comes with " terms & conditions."


 To me ,this is just not right and totally against what Christ teaches. he did not discriminate whom He served and whom He ignored . He disregarded cultural norms when it came to helping some of those who sought His healing.


 I am on a limited income, and ALL my pledges to the Church go to wherever they need to go. I trust the leadership of both my Diocese and my National Church to make sound, prayerful choices regarding budgeting.




What can we Christians do to help others to open their minds, hearts { and pocketbooks} for the spreading of the Gospel regardless of petty disagreements with Church leadership? We are called to return a portion back to God for use in furthering The Kingdom of Shalom here on Earth.


I pray for those who still think that its acceptable to support programs and ideas what only fits with their understanding of what is Christian stewardship. I also pray that I find enough peace in my own heart to keep on doing what I feel God is calling me to do.


We all do not need to agree, but we need to come together and build up this part of God's Kingdom.


Amen.


Feast Of St Michael the Archangel, 2013

#Sermonlesson Conflict resolution according to Jesus

Matt 18:15-20


This is a very familiar passage of the Gospel of Matthew that every Christian should know.  Jesus is telling His Disciples how they are to deal with strife and disagreements within their community.  Jesus says:




"If another member of the church{ or community} sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church {or community}, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. "


This is how we Christians are to deal with small sins against each other. At first we are instructed to talk with the person whom we feel has offended us. If that does not resolve the issue, the next step { according to Jesus}is to take one or two other community members with you and talks with the person AGAIN. And if this approach fails, then we are to bring the community into the conflict resolution. And if THAT fails, then Scripture says that we are to treat the offender as one would a 'Gentile or tax collector'. That is, we are to figuratively or literally " cast him or her out".


How many communities of any kind follow this model of conflict resolution?  how many even TRY to follow this model? In my opinion, far too few human communities  Too often we humans would rather gossip behind our friends, family members and work associate's backs than respectfully approach him or her with our complaint.  Admit it---all of us are guilty of this sin. Those of us who are Christians know better yet still we persist in backhanded " conflict resolution" that too often creates bigger and more numerous conflicts.


Why? Why can we not live honestly together and be open to authenticity? What good does backhanded, gossipy "conflict resolution do in the long run? Are we REALLY in such pain that we seek to hurt our sister & fellow community members just because we do not agree with them?


It is not popular to tell the truth in this society. When one is living or working in a community, decision-makers especially  rarely take well to being called out on their misdeeds. Bosses do not wish to be told by their subordinates that their business practices are unethical. Teachers do not wish students to tell them that they are teaching according to a particular political agenda. The list  can go on & on....


Yet in order to live authentic lives as members of communities, we must be open to practicing Jesus' model of conflict resolution.


Amen.

Review: _Dead Man Walking_

Last evening I started to watch the movie _Dead Man Walking_ on Netflix { thank goodness for Netflix, correct?} I'll finish the movie this evening, but wanted to offer a review while the plot is still fresh in my head.


 Anyhow, if you are unfamiliar with the movie's plot, it concerns a nun { played excellently by Susan Sarandon} who is contacted by a Louisiana death row inmate { played by Sean Penn} for some last-chance help in preparing himself for a meeting with his clemency board. She agrees , and travels to Louisiana State Prison  in Angola { one of the most notoriously violent prisons in the USA} to meet him.


Without giving away too much of the plot, I can say that this movie makes me think deeply about the death penalty. Normally I like to think that I am against capital punishment, but the inmate in the movie is so deplorable that part of me seeks vengeance against him & others in real life who commit crimes of unabashed senseless violence .


The nun in the movie struggles with these same issues: she seeks to reconcile the life & teachings of Jesus Christ with the everyday world in which she lives. She struggles to understand the inmate & what might have made him commit these crimes yet faces reproach from the media regarding her choice to help this violent criminal. 


She asks herself : What would Jesus do? What should SHE do in order to follow Him, to Whom she has given her entire earthly life. Like myself, the character is town between sympathy for the families of the inmate's victims and seeking to see dignity in EVERY human . She maintains a balance in the movie that  many people in her life do not understand.


Is it human nature to seek retribution ? Is it ok for any government to routinely & systematically put to death people? Is the " justice system" in this nation truly fair to everyone? I do not know the answers to any of these questions.  But I do know that all of we Christ-followers must prayerfully seek what it means for each of us to follow Him.


Amen.

What IS the Church? WE ARE!

 Anyone who knows me at all knows that I am fulfilled and recharged weekly by going to Mass at Beach Parish. I do not go to church for entertainment or to fill a social need or obligation { as someone with autism, I have fewer needs for social contacts than does the average person} The main reason I go to church in general and Beach Parish in particular is to worship our LORD Jesus Christ among others who proclaim Him as our Savior.


Jesus Christ is our Lord & Savior. In reality, that is all that we as Christians need to agree upon in order to get along. Jesus is LORD, and the rest is secondary. Today's Gospel lesson REALLY honed that point back to me. it matters not if we Christians label ourselves as  progressive , conservative, liturgical, evangelical, ect. It only matters that we recognize WHOM we worship on Sunday mornings & Whose life we should try to emulate daily.




I grew up with parents who did not adhere to any one faith path. My younger brother and I were taught to basically " treat others the way you want others to treat you". Our Mom, Jewish-in-name-only and our fallen-away-Roman Catholic Dad agreed before I was born to let their children choose our own paths { or to continue in their tradition of no organized faith path}


Although I remember attending Roman Catholic Mass with my paternal grandmother as a wee child, my cognizant walk with God started out in the youth choir of a small rural Presbyterian Church in Appalachian Ohio. We were required to sing at the Sunday service monthly during the school year. I suppose I can say that I first learned about Jesus through the medium of song.


It was here that I was formally introduced to the Gospels. At that point I was old enough to be curious about this person Jesus of Nazareth and wanted to know more of what He taught. It was here that the Body Of Christ mobilized to help me and my family during a time of need. At age 12 I underwent two drastic surgeries on my spine to correct severe scoliosis. These procedures required me to stay for 21 days in Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh.


Of course  my parents spent almost nightly vigils with me throughout the three long weeks, but I remember people from church visiting me and sending gifts { BOOKS!!} food and flowers. They BECAME the Body of Christ and with their help { and God, of course! } My family and I got through one of the  toughest parts of my childhood. My Christian community cared about me and showed the love of Christ in a tangible way during my 12th summer.


We gather at church on Sundays for spiritual nourishment that should carry us out into the world to BE Christ's hands and feet. We should not be afraid to Be Christ's helping hands in the world. Now, with so many people hurting in so many way throughout our local areas, it is a perfect time to live out what we say every Sunday in the Creeds.  We, 21st century coastal pilgrims, are Church.


Alleluia. Amen.

RIP Robin Williams { A little late, but sincere nonetheless}

There has been a lot on social media and the Internet regarding the tragic passing of one of my all-time favorite actors, the late Robin Williams. When I first learned of his death, I'd originally thought it to be another one of the sick but all-too-common Internet pranks.


Sadly, Robin William's suicide at the young age of 63 is too real. My heart still aches, as he has been one of the few entertainers whose work has defined my childhood{ and made me laugh  out loud at every movie in which that he played a part and rerun of _Mork And Mindy_}


It is hard to believe that an entertainer as talented as Williams is no longer with us. Its even sadder to think that his depression  left him feeling literally without hope.


Mental illness knows no race, class, gender, family status, ect. Many individuals suffer silently with mental illness including, but not limited to depression.  There are limited, if any medical facilities that can care for patience who suffer from severe mental illnesses and many people lack the financial resources necessary to cope with these chronic  yet very REAL health problems.


As someone with autism coupled with chronic depression I've suffered my share of  " bad" days. I know firsthand what it is like to wake up  with a total lack of hope for a better tomorrow---and on my worst days hope for even a better next few hours.


 Depression of any sort is a pain that I would not wish on the most vile person living on Earth and I am grateful that medications have helped me to manage both my depression & some of the traits of my autism. { Medications do NOT cure autism, but I've discovered that medication doe help me to cope with my extreme sensory integration problems & also helps me literally " Keep Calmer" when I am overwhelmed. Although I take my medications faithfully, some days are decidedly more difficult than other days.


My struggles with mental illness is something that I do not like to discuss. But if sharing parts of my story with the parts of my community will help others understand  more about chronic depression and Autism, than I am willing to share.  As there is not a " typical" person with Autism, neither is there a " typical" person who suffers from depression & related illnesses.




May Robin Williams' soul requisitat en pacem. And may we honor his memoriy by educating ourselves and others on issues and solutions pertaining to mental health.


In the Name of the Father, Son & Holy Spirit, AMEN.

Storytelling as medicine

I realized today that I am no longer angry.  My anger has been replaced with a sadness & sense of loss. Some recent events in my life have wounded me deeply and for weeks I  irritated a  festering psychic wound. My " burden" has been considerably lifted, and I am at peace with the situation now.


Tonight I am proud to say that I am so OVER IT ALL. Truly. My anger has dissipated.


Instead of anger, I feel sadness. Sadness is not a positive emotion, but sadness is somehow less caustic than anger. Yet I know that the Great Physician will heal me in due time. I also know that healing will not take place in a vacuum Our faith is meant to be practiced in COMMUNITY.


We Christ-followers need to share our stories. By doing so, we remind each other of God's Presence in our lives. When we are in the midst of a situation, we often fail to see God working amidst the chaos. God does work to heal hurts caused by humans being humans...let's face it we are all egotistical creatures who can be selfish and cruel to each other.


I am blessed to have people who allow me to tell my story & " own" my emotions. Sadly, I tend to hang onto grudges and nurse wounds. But my dear friends have listened patiently to my story, and did not force their advice onto me.


Wounds, whether they be emotional or physical, are part of our stories. And it is by telling our stories to each other than bonds of affection form.  I am able to heal thanks to a large part of willing ears & open hearts who LISTEN to my story without prejudging me. I try my best to be an active and effective listener. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen to our stories, and not to offer advice.


Thanks be to God for stories & the ability to share them with each other. And thanks be to the Great Physician who heals us and sustains us through anything our sister & fellow humans can throw at us.


Amen.

Remembering: The " Philadelphia 11" 40 years later

This weekend marks the 40th anniversary of the anniversary of womens' ordination in The Episcopal Church. While I have only been a member of this Church for approximately 6 years, I am glad to know that my Church has been ordaining women for longer than I've been alive.


Maybe some men do not understand what a huge deal it is for we women to acknowledge this important day. Because we Episcopalians ordain both men & women whose calls are affirmed by the wider Church


This quote sums up my feelings towards what those brave women did 40 years ago:


"Women in all orders of ministry--baptized, deacons, priests, and bishops--can walk proudly today in whatever kind of shoes they want to wear because of what happened here 40 years ago."--from the Presiding Bishop's homily on the 40th anniversary of women's ordination.


This morning I had the privilege of serving at the altar at Beach Church. Our altar party consisted of men & women of all ages and life experiences. I probably will get in trouble for making this statement, but I truly believe that God does not take a human's gender into consideration when God calls someone into any type of ministry.


 Today I was reminded that it is an honor and a privilege for ALL we Christians to serve God at the altar. We are all called to do our best in whatever ministry we take part in every day. This morning I found myself standing taller and prouder as I walked with a torch in hand during the procession and recession. I did not think about my being " a girl"  & I highly doubt that any of my sister & brother parishioners did either.


I am " a girl" , and a very feminine one. While I do not hide the fact that I am feminine, neither do I think that my gender should hinder me or any other woman, in discerning how to serve God.


When I serve at the altar as a layperson, I do not concern myself with my own identity. Altar servers & clergy dress in vestments in part to " blend in" together so that no one serve stands out. Altar serving, like all other ministries, should be about pleasing God.


All the fuss that some Christians make regarding the gender of those serving at the altar seem to miss the point of what we are called to do. ALL we baptized believers are called to spread the love of our LORD and Savior Jesus Christ. We are not to make disciples of only men, nor are we to make disciples of only women.


O God, thank You for the witness of those brave women in Philadelphia .May other brave men & women work hard to empower all persons to live out their baptismal covenant in any way they feel led by You. In the Name of the Father, Son & Holy Spirit, Amen.




"

Scars

When I was at the tender age of 12 I had two surgeries to correct severe scoliosis of the spine. This ordeal left me with two titanium rods around my spinal column and put me at Children's Hospital in Pittsburgh for three weeks. { Did I mention I was only 12 years old when this happened?} 


Anyhow, as if immobilization for 21 days and two MAJOR operations where the surgeon & his team pretty much re-arranged all my innards so to save my back from eventually crippling me{ or worse---apparently unchecked scoliosis can crush a patient's lungs and KILL her or him!!}was not enough torture for a pubescent Pittsburgher I also had to wear a fiberglass brace. This custom-made instrument of torture surrounded my torso and covered me from below my bra-line to underneath my tailbone. I won't even discuss the ugly clothing  with elasticized waits and baggy, high-necked shirts & sweaters that this brace forced me to wear .


I carry on my back two large and permanent reminders of my  "Seventh Grade Summer from Hell". Two long scars run down my back and around my torso remain permanently etched on my body. While there scars faded with time, they are still visible to those who know where to look for them.  For many years, I felt ashamed of these scars, and my shame played a part in the development of an eating disorder that literally took YEARS for me to get into a true remission.  To shorten a long story, I let my physical scars play a huge part in how I perceived others' views of me.


Physical scars are a metaphor for some deeper  spiritual and emotional scars that many of us carry around.  We tend to focus on the painful, awkward and even ugly parts of our walk with Our Lord rather than see them as merely a part of our story. As did my physical scars on my back---our scars on our souls can and will fade with time. Scars on the soul & psyche eventually will be seen as parts of our " story"---important parts for sure but not defining parts.


When I look at myself in the mirror I see ME, not the scars on my back. With time, a lot of love from my family, and years of counseling, I am in remission from my eating disorder. I am looking forward and onward.  The same is true for spiritual scars...they can and shall heal. Give yourself time and seek help from God and others. Be kind to yourself.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself " I am more than the sums of all my scars."


Amen.


~SEM

My favorite prayer---attributed to St Francis of Assisi

I've been praying this prayer every day....in addition to reciting it each week with my church family, I pray it at least once daily on my own.


Here it is, in case any of my readers are not familiar with the famous prayer attributed to St Francis of Assisi:

Lord, make me an instrument of Your peace;

Where there is hatred, let me sow love;

Where there is injury, pardon;

Where there is discord, harmony;

Where there is error, truth;

Where there is doubt, faith;

Where there is despair, hope;

Where there is darkness, light;

And where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, Grant that I may not so much seek

To be consoled as to console;

To be understood as to understand;

To be loved as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive;

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned;

And it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

The second stanza of the prayer really applies to my life right now. In spite of others' behaviors, I should seek to be a peacemaker, a consoler, someone who understands, someone who loves UNCONDITIONALLY ,  & finally a giver & pardoner.




My Jewish agnostic Mom always told me that ' two wrongs do not make a right.' Often I am guilty of inadvertently hurting others while reacting to my own anger & hurt.  It is human nature but NOT OKAY , to punish those who are associated in any way with someone who hurt me.  My goal is to do what Christ would do even in my own hurt, to seek pardon for others who injure me.  Often in interpersonal conflicts, others are deemed " guilty by association".


No one is perfect but Christ.


Amen.

Mean Girls

I was bulled throughout much of my childhood.




Bullies suck, and I always wondered what will happen to these insecure children who must prey on " weaker" or " different" children in order to find some security.




Mean girls in school become mean girls in adulthood.




Their mode of operations  probably will become more sophisticated, but they are the same catty, two-faced wrenches who made the school years of many people a living hell. They group together around one who is perceived as the "Queen Bee" and scan the workplace or other social outlet in today's adult would for a woman whom they perceive as weaker. They appear to befriend their victim, and she, grateful for the companionship, accepts their conditional friendship.


According to the Queen Bee's whim, the group of girls take turns including and excluding their victim. She repeatedly forgives them for their abuse after all, they DO include her { At least half of the time & when the are not whispering about her in clandestine gatherings. No matter how hard she tries, she does not feel totally validated or accepted by her " friends".  Until , "egged on by Queen Bee" the Mean Girls do something so hurtful to their victim that she ends up in counseling or starts to exhibit forms of unhealthy behaviors. Eventually the victim DOES break away from the Mean Girls, but she never forgets the  abuse by her alleged " friends".


From the playground to the work place & all places where humans gather socially. Mean girls still exist. When they are adults, it is harder to identify their Queen Bee, but rest assured that she is there. Adult Mean Girls are even harder to identify.


Beware.

Welcome, " Come Well"

We say "Welcome" in greeting whenever someone comes to our home or place of worship. But have you ever thought about how the world " welcome" is really two words? When we  welcome someone { be it to our home or our church} we invite them to "come and be well"




Being authentically  welcoming, as Christ commands of we His followers, is risky business.  To be truly welcoming, we are { or should be{} at our most vulnerable. We invite others to com be with us, and the radical hospitality that Jesus commands we modern-day apostles to practice includes accepting other for who they ARE, not whom we wish them to be.  radical hospitality to we Christ-followers demands that we put aside our prejudices, expectations and other preconceived notions of what we wish people to be when we meet them.




Manners are important, especially for meeting and/or entertaining someone for the first time. Social conventions dictate that we strive to follow a set of " norms" in order to be hospitable. But Jesus commands us to follow an entirely different hospitality. We are to love each other as He loves us. Radical hospitality is more than putting the correct number of forks on the supper table settings.


Love is costly, and the love described by an emulated by Jesus includes putting another's needs first, regardless of one's own idea of what is " normal & " acceptable".




In other words: Do not judge, and try to understand someone else's point of view when it comes to confronting differences of opinion. We humans need not always agree on eveyrthing in order to be kind to one another. We Christians, especially, need to accept each other as we are . After all, Christ accepts us without questions or reservations, so should we not follow His Example?


Amen.

Death & ressurection

I know, we are totally done with the Easter Season for yet another liturgical year. But recent events in my life & in my walk with Our LORD have got me pondering { Best Dude would say OBSESSING, Ha ha} about the concept of death & resurrection.


Death & resurrection are all around us. Some may say that it is " the circle of life" or " the plan of the Universe" but nothing is constant.


Beginnings will eventually yield endings.


Each winter will be followed by a Spring, then summer and finally autumn. Babies are born every day and elderly people pass on from this Earthly life. Where I grew up, certain trees in the woods hear my home have leaves that dry out, change color and eventually fall to the ground. The stark bare Winter landscape of the Appalachia where I am from eventually leads to a lush, green Springtime.


Of course , many of we Christians follow our LORD Jesus Christ from the garden where He was betrayed , too the Cross, and to the Grave and FINALLY to His glorious resurrection & ascension. Thanks be to God! I know that going through the " death" part of this cycle can be painful.  When I feel alone, depressed, angry, ect-- I ponder the actions of Christ's closest comrades, His disciples. Although He tried to explain to them that His earthly ministry will end, they did not want to face


 I try hard to remember during this time in my life that Christ, the risen Christ, is everywhere. Even when I find myself facing a metaphorical " death" {meaning the end of a relationship or relationships} I know that often we must " die" to something on order to be " resurrected" into something or somewhere better.  It is painful, but endings lead to beginnings often the beginnings of better, healthier, more grace-filled life.


Amen.

the cost of dicipleship...and apostleship. And are you ready to pay?

Today Best Dude went with me to Beach Town Parish for Mass this morning.


On this second Sunday in Ordinary Time the priest talked about how discipleship & apostleship are not easy.


In today's Gospel lesson from St Matthew, Jesus tells his disciples what it will mean to proclaim Him as their risen LORD. This is a part of the discourse in Matthew's Gospel that is unsettling to we 21st-century Christians. Look closely at the text for today:


Jesus says" ...and whoever does not take up the cross and follow Me is not worthy of me. "




Ouch.




Jesus is letting His disciples , and also we Christians in today's modern era, that discipleship & apostleship is not for the weak or faint-of-heart. Taking our Crosses and doing Jesus' work here on earth is hard. In order to BE Christ's hands & feet in the here & now, I've come to the conclusion that I must be of good spiritual & emotional health.  In order to give my best in the service of God, I must first BE my best.


As hard as it can be, sometimes service to God requires that we alter our earthly relationships with some people who might hold us back from giving our all in the Service of the Creator/Redeemer/Sustainer Godhead .Jesus was obediently even to a very physical death, and His disciples were left bereft of His physical Self. he sends the first apostles to do His work, and He warns them very explicitly that the cost of being a disciple & apostle is heavy 


Humans are created to be in relationship with each other, but this passage of Matthew's Gospel reminds me that we are also called into a relationship with God, and unhealthy relationships with  other humans can metaphorically bleed into out spiritual lives.


Following Jesus is not easy. Yet , as Marines are fond of saying" I never promised you a rose garden."


Amen.


SEM


2 Pentacost 2014

new beginnings

Sunday was Pentecost, and lately I've been pondering " new beginnings"




This Season after Pentecost shall be one of new beginnings for many people in my life.


For we Christians, life is full of new beginnings. For example, I have some friends who are leaving to attend {Episcopal} seminary soon. they had to say goodbye to their colleagues at work & are in the process of saying goodbye to friends throughout their parish & our Diocese.


Another person I know is stepping down from several years of lay service in one particular church.


Our Diocese is in the process of searching for the next bishop. My rector is among those who were selected & charged with the big task of seeking the individual whom God wishes to bring to us as our next shepherd. My prayers are with these faithful and brave individuals as they serve the diocese in this important way. I know all of them{ at least by name if not personally} and I trust that they will follow the process of selecting the Fourth Bishop.


One of my aunts has retired from many years as a nurse.


Another young friend of mine is moving cross-country to finish college.




Walking with God , in fact life as a human, is never a straight line. Deviations from what we humans perceive as our own " path" are necessary, inevitable and healthy.


I am autistic, and do NOT thrive on change. However, during these past few months I noticed that a change is needed in my life of faith. {please don't ask me--as I really am not at liberty to discuss the situation} in order for me to maintain my spiritual & mental health. For me, new beginnings of any kind require me to move out of my very rigid comfort zone.  God may gently nudge some people to go where God wants them to go but I am someone whom God must kick hard in the pants to get me to move forward.


I . Do.Not.Like.Change!


In spite of my huge aversion to anything that disrupts my part of this universe, I know that my own health sometimes requires drastic change.  Sixteen years ago I took a HUGE leap of faith and followed my family to Gulf Coast Beach Town. I arrived here knowing no one but them & was lonely for over a year . As a matter of fact, it was not until I traveled up North for a couple weeks' vacation that I realized that my " home" was no longer home to me.


I am dealing with the same situation now in a different way. But I need to look onward and ahead of me.


Amen.

I am {NOT} a rock. I am {NOT} an island

"I Am A Rock" By Simon & Garfunkel

A winter's day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

Don't talk of love,
But I've heard the words before;
It's sleeping in my memory.
I won't disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.

And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.

This is one of my all-time favorite songs. As a matter of fact, to me it is the ultimate introvert's anthem.

People scare me. Relationships can be messy. I took sociology as part of my general education requirements in college, and { still} can only see human foibles through the "lens" of social science.  

People baffle & disappoint me .

Groups of people under then influence of a manipulative and/or charismatic leader can turn toxic quickly.

I do not trust easily.

My sensitivity does not allow for me to display my vulnerability.

However, in these past few years, I have discovered that I am NOT a rock NOR an island. People are created to live together in communities & groups.  Even we introverts with autism need some degree of social interaction. I've needed to become vulnerable in order to grow.  I hate feeling helpless and vulnerable but growth occurs sometimes during our weakest moments.

Yesterday was Pentecost. The Christian church celebrates the coming of the Holy Spirit to the disciples.. Note the plural of the last word in the previous sentence. All people are communal by nature, but we Christians are even more communal { or " tribal" as it may be}  than some other people.

As I continue on this journey , I learn who my true " community" is , and I am learning that my community need not be confined to the municipality where I live.  My community is where I am loved with an agape love that asks for nothing in return. I freely give that same love to others in my community.  There should not be restricted giving of love, but all too often I am guilty of freely loving people who are easy to love.  I am guilty of the sin of pride & self-righteousness. Let's be honest---we all lack enough humility to love as Christ commands us to love. We are called to love one another, especially those in our fragile human communities.


Love each other always, but love each other more during times of weakness.


Amen. Alleluia.


Pentecost 2014

My Name is SarahBeth and I am a " Forgiveness Challenge" dropout

Hi. My name is SarahBeth & I am a Forgiveness challenge dropout.


{ Crowd murmurs " Hi SarahBeth}


"Forgive/Sounds good.
Forget? I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything/But I'm still waiting" ~ Dixie Chicks.


Last month I had an intention to completed ++ Desmond Tutu's international " Forgiveness Challenge" online. I admit when I fail to complete a task & I messed up this one in the worst way. For the first 6 days I was  stoked about this journey of self-discovery, but after the 6th day life's circumstances that occurred beyond my control set me way back. As the first week of this challenge moved into the second week I realized that I am not emotionally nor spiritually "ready" to contemplate forgiveness.


So I dropped out.


I am not a quitter. Quitting is wimpy & my parents did not raise a wimp.


It can be healthy, however, to step back from an unpleasant situation & seek out guidance & perspective. When one is not at a good place emotionally or spiritually, it is hard { if not downright impossible} to focus on forgiveness.  I am too pissed-off to think deeply about forgiveness. & it is not worth my heartache to try to " complete"  this program just for the sake of completion.


Recently I've learned that I'm no good to serve anyone else if my own spiritual/psychological life is in disarray. Sometimes it is necessary to step back from a situation & allow oneself to be led by the Spirit without constantly worrying about staying " at the top of my game'. Spiritual & emotional health is just as important as corporeal health. As I read the day's emails from ++ Tutu last month, I realized that  I am not ready to contemplate forgiveness right now.  The good thing about the 30 Day Forgiveness Challenge is that participants can return to the site and complete each day's activity when ready to do so.


"Life is a journey/Not a destination/...And you just don't can't tell just what tomorrow will bring..."~Aerosmith


There is no need to rush on healing and forgiveness. Each person  heals differently & one's life story/spiritual autobiography factors into each person's  Forgiveness & Healing Timetable.
Several circumstances throughout my 38 years of life on Planet Earth have molded me into a slow healer. I'm like a pot roast: tough & rigid until I  simmer long enough for tenderizing to happen. I do not forgive nor heal easily from soul wounds. With a lot of prayer, I hope I shall come to a place where I can forgive wholeheartedly. 


SEM


Feast Of the Ascension of Our LORD Jesus the Christ 2014

Change is scary....even the disciples knew it.

I heard an excellent sermon on Sunday when I visited Beach Parish with friends.


The Gospel lesson for this week comes from a portion of the John's Gospel. {14:1-14} has Christ reassuring His disciples that His mission will continue, even though He will no longer be with them " in the flesh


" Jesus opens today's lesson with " Do not let your hearts be troubled. Believe in God, believe also in Me. In my Father's house there are many dwelling places....that's where I am , there you may be also." The priest mentioned that this is part of Jesus' ' farewell discourse' with His disciples & friends. Until recently, I had not give much thought to the importance of farewell discourses in everyday life.


Lately I've been feeling " lost" and " at a loss" due to some circumstances that I cannot change. I'm struggling seeing the face of Christ amidst all the chaos. I am struggling to find my own sense of " community" within my community. I feel directionless.


Right now I wonder where my own role within said community should be & I'm struggling with finding trustworthy mentors.  Jesus prepared his disciples for life with Him on Earth, but how often do we have ANY preparation for major changes in life?  Usually we are left in the storms of life to basically " sink or swim'. And I feel like I am sinking. I need to feel safe to  let go...and for me the process of healing includes communication regarding the changes with those whom I love. I need some " farewell discourse" in times of transition. When this discourse does not happen, I feel a literal pain that will not go away.


Am I the only one who requires some sort of closure in transitions?

Navigating the " Storms " Psalm 121

Anyone who has followed the news at all these last couple of weeks knows about the intense storms that the Gulf Coast endured massive rainstorms . the resulting flooding has left many Gulf Coast residents with flood damage.




 Best Dude and I managed to get by with minimal flooding on out bayou-front property { our " bayou " is really a creek back where we live}  Our neighbors were not so blessed. Two lots down the road from our home the entire house flooded. Although the water has abated, the owners obviously suffered a great deal of loss.




Currently I am going through a " storm" of sorts in my own life. Without delving into much detail, suffice it to say that I feel " displaced". Part of my community has been disturbed , and I feel sadness and fear from not knowing what the future holds.




 I struggle with trusting people and their motivations and I fear for the future as I know it now.  As someone with Autism, change of any sort frightens me.  I've never been one who claims patience as a virtue, and the state of " not knowing" is to me worse than even a bad outcome that is certain.




People with no or limited knowledge of Autism cannot fathom the stress that ANY change causes we people with Autism. Our brains respond the best to a routine, and when that routine is broken { for whatever reason] it causes our " fight or flight" mode to go in high gear.




Am I " taking flight" to avoid this current stressful situation?


Yes and no.


During the immediate chaos that surround any change, the emotions of others always are high. I cannot deal with those stress-induced hormones, so the best thing for me is to remove myself from the stressful situation.




I am useless when it comes to cleanup after any " storm". The best way I can be of help is to step back and stay out of the way.




A priest at another parish that I attend sometimes reminded readers in the monthly parish newsletter that God is with us---no matter what type of storm { Physical, emotional, and especially spiritual---all have the potential to cause chaos. }




Psalm 121 says : " I lift up my eyes to the hills---
from where does my help come?
                              " my help comes from the LORD,
Who makes Heaven and Earth.
                              He will not let your foot be moved
He who keeps you will not
                              slumber. "


This is what I must remember as I move forward in faith. Even when I do not sense God, our God is there. People are unpredictable, but God is constant. In fact, God and that God's own Son gave His life for us is the ONLY constant in this chaotic world.


Alleluia. Amen.

+ Desmond Tutu's 30 day " Forgiveness Challenge

I know the penitential season of Lent is over & done with for another year, but a good friend of mine introduced me to Archbishop Tutu's " 30 Day Forgiveness Challenge{ Google it!!} Although this challenge is based upon a book that the archbishop write with his daughter { she is also an Episcopal priest], one need NOT buy the book in order to participate in the challenge.


Another interesting aspect of this challenge, is that although written by an Anglican bishop,  the day's sessions are for anyone & everyone, regardless of a person's faith affiliation { or lack thereof, as a case may be} Each day's reading is followed by at least one " assignment" Participants work at their own pace.


I am only on Day 3, but I look forward to each part of this " journey" towards forgiveness.


Amen.

PROUD #Appalachian

These past few days have not been good for the image of northern Appalachia, from where I hail.




A recent episode of the TV police procedural drama  " Criminal Minds" took place near Wheeling , West Virginia. the writers & producers of that show have clearly never been to the West Virginia Panhandle, based on their interpretation of the culture & people of that region.  We Northern Appalachians were portrayed as inbred, meth-making, drug-addicted incest-practitioners.


This is a HORRIBLE Stereotype of West Virginia in particular & of Northern Appalachia in general. One: Wheeling is much closer to the Ohio & Pennsylvania borders than  most of " downstate " West Virginia. If the CM writers wanted to make a mockery of West Virginians, they could not have chosen a less accurate town in the state. Wheeling is in the Pittsburgh metropolitan area, and the accents used by the actors in this episode were more of a Kentucky/Tennessee hill variety. If the writers had done their research, they would know that we have more of an Uplands Plateau accent .


Also, the subplot of incest was inaccurate and cruel to my friends in West Virginia.


there are many problems in the part of the nation from which I hail. But incest is not one of those problems & meth-making is a nationwide problem that is NOT confined to we " hillbillies".


That's all.

Elevator pitch...Why I am an Episcopalian

Recently there has been a Facebook trend among some Episcopalians I know on Facebook. the challenge is to write one paragraph stating why you are an Episcopalian. Apparently this type of exercise is called an " elevator pitch".


At any rate: here is mine.


SARAH BETH'S "ELEVATOR PITCH"


I believe in the Jesus, as the Son & Second Person of the Triune God.  I also believe that He teaches humanity what it means to be a good person. In the Episcopal Church I've found meaningful worship and a worldwide community of Christians who strive hard to discern what it means to follow our First-Century Jewish Carpenter Lord and Savior into the twenty-first century. Although we are not a perfect people, we are a people that tries , with integrity, to follow Our Lord's way. CS Lewis said" I don't go to religion to make me happy, I always knew a bottle of port would do that." I am not an Episcopalian because it is 'trendy' or that the Church always makes me 'happy. I belong in this branch of the One Holy and Catholic Church because we are an imperfect people trying our best to follow our perfect Lord.


Amen


Feast of the Annunciation , 2014

Fred is Dead...so now what ? Answer: Pray.

Fred Phelps is dead.


There is much going around the social media universe regarding the demise & death of the Westboro Baptist " Church"'s leader. This begs the question of how we Christ-followers should approach the death of this man best known for his hate speech and funeral protests.


I know that a lot of my very liberal friends would rather shout " FRED IS DEAD" from the highest rooftops and dance an Irish jig &  part of me really does not blame them for wanting to herald the demise of a sad, sick individual. But the Christ-follower in me wants to do what Christ himself would do if He were faced with a similar situation.


My mom always had a saying that " Two wrongs don't make a right." Most people I know agree that Mr Phelps' extreme views are wrong. Not only did his group teach hatred of LGBT persons, but he also was famous for sending groups to " protest" military funerals all over the nation.  Although I live in a very socially-conservative region, no one I know agrees with Mr Phelp's philosophy regarding our military service people and veterans.


Fred Phelp's extremism was cancerous to society. Now that he is dead, how should our Christian response mirror what Our Lord teaches us? Would he advocate picketing Mr Phelps' funeral or spread  snarky cartoons about the death of this man/ My guess is no. Rather, the Jesus Whom I've come to know & love would offer his condolences to the Phelps family.


Yes, Fred Phelps had a family.


 As distasteful as this fact is to many of us: Fred Phelps was some one's husband, father, grandfather, uncle, pastor and friend. We do NOT need to agree with the man's teachings or actions to show Christian mercy and love towards his surviving kin. he was an extremist and a bigot, but that does not mean that we should exclude his family from the loving kindness of the Church Universal.  I feel strongly that the " sins of the father" in this case, the sins of Fred Phelps} should not bring more pain to his spiritual and actual children.


 On Ash Wednesday a priest in my Diocese charged the congregation present that night to focus on the following tasks during Lent: Pray. Fast & Give Alms.  Tonight, part of my prayer and alms giving will focus on the Phelps family and their loss. No one human is an " island' amidst him or herself and this applies to bigoted extremists such as Mr Phelps.


I , along with most Americans, will NOT miss this man's hate speech and twisted doctrine. yet it is NOT a Christ-like response to celebrate his demise. None of us are perfect and we ALL wake every morning with our own list of prejudices. I know I do and I pray daily for the Holy Spirit to help me see the common humanity in those with whom I vehemently disagree.


Amen.


Lent, 2014

negativity...ain't got time for that...and this means on Facebook too!

I've been struggling with some deep philosophical and medical { uh---mostly due to the fact that yours truly isn't a ' spring chicken' anymore} lately. As a result, I have not been " myself{ whatever that might mean!} for a few weeks. Spring is finally coming to the Florida Gulf Coast, and I need to do some Spring Cleaning and remove toxic individuals from my online & real-time life.


Sigh.


While I am not at liberty to discuss the individuals & the problems they cause via the World Wide Web, I CAN discuss how I chose to deal with said individual. I am just NOT talking to him/her anymore. This individual has not {yet} done anything to me personally , but when one hurts those I love, one hurts ME!


No one has time for petty mind games & power-brokering. I do not want such nonsense to continue to poison me & if rejecting this person online & keeping my face-to-face communication with him/her at a bare minimum, so be it.


 Although I will not go " quite " as far as to ignore this person's existence when I see them, I am not going to engage them in conversation. I also" unfriended" said individual on Facebook. the way I see it is that if she/he is causing me undue stress IRL, then I do not want her privy to my Facebook communications & activities either. This individual is sneaky & manipulative and the last thing I want to deal with is Facebook drama from them.


Seeya...& don't let the virtual door hit ya on the way out!

#BanBossy #WomensHistoryMonth: Boys & Girls & fifth grade

March is Womens' History Month. 


While I am grateful for the women { and men} in my life who have encouraged me to be the innovative, strong, most creative human I can be, I do recognize that there was and is much gender bias against girls & women even now.


Growing up, I played with children of both genders.  Since we lived in rural northern Appalachia, I played outside { in the dirt} with children of both genders & did not see anything wrong with this arrangement until puberty.  As a pre- teen my parents subscribed to " TEEN MAGAZINE for me while buying " SPORTS ILLUSTRATED FOR KIDS for my younger brother.


Say what?!


I , as do most American teens, totally bought into the idea of what is " feminine": n obsessive interests in fashion, celebrity gossip, and finding a boyfriend. were the norms among my female classmates in the 5th grade .I, like most girls of that age, started to notice boys. But the boys whom I found attractive I sought among my classmates & playmates...I did not understand why the girls in my class suddenly acted coy and silly around the boys. Instead of working and playing together, my fifth-grade class became a virtual mine of cattiness. A tall and awkward { both physically & socially} girl, I retreated into my books while the other girls started the cat-and-mouse game of 0ne-upmanship. Suddenly it became apparent to me that " popularity" and  quests to win the favor of the class "Queen Bee" were important.


 Even as an adult, I see evidence of this mentality in my adult life. Women are overly concerned with one-upmanship and placating the " queen bee" of their social group{s]The media saturate our senses with the idea that women must compete with one another regarding me, looks and {for some} careers.


Why cannot we women move beyond fifth grade?

Pray, Fast, Give Alms

This evening Best Dude and I switched things up and attended a neighboring parish where our friend is the rector. As usual, it was a lovely service, but tonight's meditation was a tool for the Holy Spirit to speak to me.


The gist of the sermon was " Pray. Fast, Give Alms. In Lent, especially, we Christ-followers are called to focus on doing these three tasks.  The Gospel lesson for today compels us to do these things not to " be seen" by others { as did the Pharisees } but to do these things quietly so that the God who is our Creator will reward us. We are not to show off our piety, but to quietly pray and give alms in the name of Our Lord.


What really struck me  in this evening's Gospel is the part where Christ commands us to give alms " in secret" and " so that the left hand will not know what the right hand is doing". To me, almsgiving is in itself an act of prayer....when I give alms, I do so not because I determine that the receiver is 'worthy' of help or because she or he is ' just like me' but because doing so pleases Our Lord.


We need to remember that Christ calls us to BE His hands & feet on Earth. Charity should not be about the giver...there is not need to sound the proverbial trumpet to let others know of our gifts. Christ knows , and that should be enough for His followers


Amen.


Ash Wednesday, 2014

#Lent14 begings tomorrow

Happy Mardi Gras!










Be sure to go to your local Episcopal or Roman Catholic church this evening and get your fill of a delicious pancake supper.






Lent is the traditional penitential season of the Church Year. For the past three years, rather than " giving up " something this season, I've challenged myself to " take on" some sort of discipline. I've found this to be a more spiritually-fulfilling practice than one of fasting from something. Each person has his or her own Lenten disciplines & all that bring us closer to Our Lord are worthwhile.




This year, I am taking on making time for more " study" time. I've been lax in my study of Scripture and other spiritual-type works. I asked a friend of mine who attends another parish in the diocese for her recommendations


 Although I am naturally curious, circumstances, financial or otherwise, have been used as an excuse to focus less and less time in study. Our Church is built on the " three-legged stool": Scripture, Tradition & Reason and more Reason can be gleaned by study.


When I was active in the EfM program, " study" was a part of my routine. Since we lack an EfM group at my parish right now , I've found less time to study anything. This is sad, as I am a lifelong learner but when one does not drive & has limited funds it is a challenge to find opportunities to deepen one's faith through study Ive looked at several books {e-book format}online and saw a cornucopia of selections.


Be well, and may we all be blessed with a holy Lent. .

" Counting Calories" at the gym

This morning I overheard { despite my best intentions to TUNE OUT the conversation} a trainer and a client chatting about counting calories. Now I realize that everyone elses' wellness goals are different, but as someone who is and always will be in recovery from disordered eating, I found this whole exchange between the two women triggering. the client was not overweight in the least U chatted LOUDLY to her trainer about how little she eats per day.


Heartbreaking. :O(


I was an athlete during high school who also suffered from disordered eating. I will not delve into the details, but it will suffice to say that I ate way too few calories for a normal teen girl, let alone one who ran constantly at JV basketball practice each day after classes.  I was OBSESSED with eating as few calories as possible without literally fainting from lack of glucose.


My parents have my sophomore and junior high school yearbooks, and I cannot bear to look at the photos of myself during these years.  I totally bought into the media's obsession with " thin is in" and  the resulting disordered eating has left me with some irreparable health problems. I am eternally grateful that I survived the years of self-abuse incurred by my eating disorders.


 It saddens me that some women STILL feel that " thin is in". the media still tells we women how we " should" look like and that there is something " wrong" with women who do not meet their ridiculous ideal of " feminine beauty" . This is so damaging to women & girls----eating disorders DO NOT go away just because someone has changed her{ or in rarer cases HIS} behaviors towards food & exercise. Recovery, as with other behavioral illnesses, is ongoing.


Damn it, I hate my acute sense of hearing. My strategy for the next time I see these two together in the gym: place the ear buds back into my ears and turn up the music! I've no time for that " calorie counting" nonsense in my healthy lifestyle.


That's all.

Divergent!

Due to some " technical difficulties" at our house last evening, I spent most of the time reading a new novel that I 'd bought  just for the occasion. It is so good that I've ALREADY completed almost half of the book in one three-hour setting.


The book is _Divergence_ the first novel in a trilogy of novels by author Veronica Roth. Some bookish friends have been recommending these novels to me , so I FINALLY bought an old-fashioned paper copy of the first book in the trilogy yesterday afternoon.


Take my advice & READ THIS NOVEL!


I will not add any plot spoilers---so please take my advice & read this novel if you have not yet done so.


The trilogy is geared towards teen and young adults, but the storyline is one that any book-nerd can appreciate. The lead character Beatrice  or" Tris" as she is called in the novel, is a heroine on par with Katniss Everdeen and Hermione Granger. She's smart, compassionate and tries really hard to do what is right. But she is not without flaws.


Growing up, I had too damn few literary role models that were girls & women. During my pre-teen and early teen years I wasted so much time reading such " teen-lit" as Sweet Valley High and The Babysitter's Club" books. In retrospect, I see now that these books { especially SVH} are poorly written and lack any sort of strong female characters. It is heartwarming to see so many strong, smart & capable female literary characters are emerging in the YA fiction genre.


Thank you, Ms Roth, for creating a novel series featuring a very well-done yet believable female lead character.

I am not "The Biggest Loser" I am Fit & Healthy.

I am not a fan of the " reality show" on TV called " The Biggest Loser". Now I know many people find this show inspirational, but for me it dredges out many of my since-buried issues with body dysmorphia & disordered eating. While I suppose that I can see how some people glean hope from watching these people transform themselves on this " reality game show" it leaves me with some painful memories.


I have always been a thin person. Both of my parents are thin & even as a baby I lacked even most of the customary " baby fat". 


Due to some unforeseen circumstances , and in spite of my long & lean body type, I developed  disordered eating as a middle-schooler. I am not 100 percent positive of the trigger of this condition, but I am almost certain that two major back surgeries were the catalyst for my unsatisfactory body image.


I know, MOST teen girls hate their looks. But having spent 21 days flat on my back and naked save for a thin hospital gown followed by 10 months in a back brace worn from my shoulder blades down to my tailbone probably exaggerated my unhappiness with my body.


To make a long story shorter, I developed disordered eating.


I was thin , weak and with poor coloring, weak hair and nails, and in a perpetual bad mood. I focused so much on counting calories and "fighting fat" that I missed out on a lot of my younger life.




This condition plagued me from my early teenage years until well into my third decade. It was not until I finally decided that bone-thin DOES NOT equal health & vitality did I choose to change my lifestyle. 


I train at a gym 3-4 days per week, but my goals DO NOT include weight loss. For me, training is not to control my weight. Rather, I seek to improve my body's function.  As hard as I train, I do not follow any particular eating plan. I eat what I want & when I want to eat it. My secret is so easy: I practice PORTION CONTROL.


Yes sir & ma'am it is THAT EASY.


I eat sweets...as a matter of fact I am a choco-holic. Do I eat a whole huge bag of chocolate M&M's? No. I'll enjoy a handful of candy or one piece of pie or cake. On days that I train at the gym, I consume extra calories to make up for the fuel burned when I'm trying hard to build muscle. I NEVER skip meals.


Yet staying away from the mentality of disordered eating is a struggle. On some days{ especially during the busy Christmas holiday season} I struggle daily with these old thought patterns. the difference is that I now know that such disordered thoughts are unhealthy & I've the practical & spiritual wisdom to combat these thoughts.


It bothers me that society won't engage in a discourse about the perils of disordered eating. I KNOW I am not the only person whom I know with these particular "demons" yet no one willingly says" me too".  I wish there were a Disordered Eating Anonymous 12-step program to help those of us in recovery. I believe that I can be of help to women and men who are still in the early stages of recovery but these is no national organization that connects disordered eaters with " sponsors" in their local community. I've known people who go to other 12 step programs & I am told that these programs WORK.


I've found strength, support & solace from my faith community . But I know that "religion" isn't for everyone , so I wish I could make an effort to reach more people who need help with disordered eating.


Amen.

Smooth Sailing, Norman+

It is a sad day in my Diocese.


Last evening we learned of the sudden death of a fine priest of a sister parish . I knew Father Norman mostly from my times at our annual Diocesan Conventions. At close to 6 feet five inches, and with a wide shoulder circumference , Norm+ was a big guy. But his " larger-than-life" presence was mostly due to his kindness. He had a wonderful laugh and loved fine cigars and good scotch whiskey. He left behind in this world a wife and two adult children as well as a congregation of Christians in a small Northwest Florida town.


Norman+ suffered a massive heart attack, so his passing is very sudden. A congregation is without their beloved priest, a wife is bereft of her husband and people are without their father.


He was well-loved, as evidence of the kind thoughts posted to his personal Facebook Wall indicate.


I am struggling this night with not only mourning the loss of a fine man & priest, but with the idea of Death.


Death is not " supposed" to steal good people away from this life at an early age{ Norm was close to the age of my Dad, and to me that is way too young to die}Good people are supposed to not die suddenly. Rather they are supposed to pass on quietly and without pain while sleeping at the age of 100 or more.


I know that Norm+ is in a better place...probably enjoying cigars and Scotch that are literally "out-of-this-world" with all the other saints {small s} who have gone on before him. But selfishly I will still look for him at Convention. the official clergy photo of all the collared people in this Diocese will seem incomplete.


Norman+, smooth sailing, good and faithful servant. We'll miss you.


Amen.

New Gym, New year

Due to unforeseen circumstances that were NOT my fault, I had to join a new gym this year.


Anyhow Snap Fitness offers a one-month free full membership to their franchise. Naturally, since I must be frugal with finances, I happily took full advantage of the free month with the full intent of joining when my trial period is over.


I am currently in search of a gym partner at the current facility. I miss Gym Buddy terribly, even though it is MUCH nicer to train in a drama-free environment. :O) So if any of **yinz** local people want to join me at Snap Fitness, please email or call me. Normally I am NOT a fan of any sort of "change" in my life but this new gym seems to be good thus far. I do wish it offered shower/locker rooms.


Today I focused on legs, with doing the " cardio" part of my training on the elliptical machine. Previously I've shied away from this machine for about 6 months in an attempt to get my bad leg healed. This morning's elliptical workout did my knees some good---I've definitely become stronger since my last 6 month's workout schedule has been dedicated to strengthening the muscles surrounding the weak left knee. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and feel GOOD! 


I've also increased my personal best on the bench press by 5 pounds. Wh00t!


It is such a blessing to be healthy and fit.


Amen.

Bring on the reunion! It's a wonderful life!

Its a date....my 20th High School Reunion will occur on July 19. It is to be a dress-up affair with a cash bar, food and music.




I'm going.



While I sincerely HOPE that Best Dude can come with me, I've accepted the fact that I might attend my reunion alone. That's OK by me, as I am much more confident than I was as a teen, and I'm pretty damn pleased with my life.






Inasmuch as I HATED high school { save for my time on the sports & Quiz Bowl teams and work summers at The Lake}. My grades for sure did not reflect my intellect, and I spent more time in the vice-principle's office than I care to admit.




I didn't go to either my junior nor senior prom and I attended ONE Homecoming formal { I went " stag " with a girl friend after said guy who DID ask me to the dance bailed on me with some lame-ass excuse.}As a matter of fact, I did not attend a formal dance until First College.


I was lame. I might have been an athlete and taking a hard course load , but I was a " nobody".
Girls were just a little bit mean to me and boys ignored me. My poor self-image led to dangerously disordered eating habits.


I was a mess.


In retrospect, most of my teen angst issues were related to my { then yet undiagnosed} autism coupled with intense introversion. Most of my lunch hours were spent in  vain attempts to become invisible from the rest of the student body and trying hard to work up the courage to talk with Cute Boy. My parents were  wonderful, {as they still are} and tried everything in their knowledge base to help me. Thankfully my small, rural school had some GREAT faculty members who went beyond the call of teacher and tried to help me fit in.


Now at the age of 37.5, I still don't fit in and I am more than okay with being an oddball. I'm blessed with a great boyfriend  who loves me unconditionally. I am totally over the disordered eating and am now on a healthy eating and exercise regime. I am the proud Aunt of an adorable baby nephew and proud fur-parent of a big dog. Best Dude and I keep several chickens in our backyard Both my parents are alive and healthy and I live in FLORIDA!


Life is sweet. I'm going into the 20th reunion with an open mind and without any grudges or otherwise " bad blood" I am not the girl whom I was back in 1994 : I am a healthy , happy version of me with most of the " bugs" worked out of my " operating system".


Amen.

I prefer a Church...

Pope Francis rocks!

I found a quote from the current pope {to whom I lovingly refer as " Papa Francis" for many reasons}that spoke to my soul .My Annual Convention for my Diocese is in February, and I am going as an alternate lay delegate.

Anyhow, here is the quote:

 

Amen and amen again! Although I am pretty sure that the Pope is speaking of the Roman Catholic Church, his statement SHOULD ring true for Christians of any & all varieties.

 

No one asks me of my opinion on such lofty matters: I am after all " merely a young woman" {sic} and " everyone knows that young people have nothing to contribute" { sic}

 

Too often the institutional Church is too concerned with maintaining status quo and keeping out "those who are not like us" than actually BEING Christ's hands & feet here and now.

 

I am sad about all the hard feelings that surround certain Church issues and I am even more saddened by the fact that these issues keep people away from knowing Christ & Christ's community.

 

I dream of a Church that is more concerned with BEING Church than DEFINING Church.

 

I dream of a Church whose Holy Scriptures are not used to justify hatred towards those whose lifestyles we do not understand. As long as some one's lifestyle harms no one,  we should not justify our prejudices in the name of the Church

 

I dream of a Church that focuses more on empowering members to live out our Baptismal Covenants rather than playing politics.

 

I dream of a Church that is more concerned with doing ministry that will make a difference to the greater local area than placating  members by playing up to prejudices of people with a lot of money.

 

I am 37 and one-half years old. It is my HOPE and PRAYER that I live long enough to see some of my dreams for the Church come to fruition.

 

Amen.

 

Christmastide 2014.